יום שבת, 1 בינואר 2011

I'm bored...complaining...

I'm bored! I'm complaining…

Well, I am very sad today,
It started in the morning, when I woke up, knowing that I gave Igrene a day off, because she worked enough and she was so great this last few days.
Now, I have nothing to really do here, so I went to the stables, and had coffee, as usual, and well, did nothing. Then I wondered around, and I'm sure it is very obvious that I have nothing to do. So the girl who's working here started to say “oh, here is something for you to do,” and she let me carry a horse to the field…then, “oh, can you hold him for a minute?” and I'm thinking to myself: “what am I? A hanger to put horses on?” I know that I'm a good rider; I know that I could improve a lot of horses here. I don't think that I'm the best, or that I have nothing to learn, it's just that I can do a lot more for the horses than just holding them for a moment.
And there are horses here that Caroline doesn't really have to ride, and there are horses here that she doesn't really have to jump, and only if she wanted to she could give me something to do here…
I'm so familiar with this situation. It's just that I hate being on this side of the coin!
Damn it! I'm here, waiting for people to give me something to do…they know what I want, because they let me ride sometimes…and I asked them also to jump if it's at all possible…and they said it could be possible…
Another thing that happened is the Ferrier (they call it the blacksmiths).
He came, I was there to help and open my eyes to see that he's OK with the horses, and then it was Igrene standing there waiting for him to shoe her.
I asked him if he could start from the behind, (because this is how it was done to her over the last few years). He didn't try to understand, just told a joke in Dutch so I couldn't even understand, and then Vibe told me: "you know, they usually start in the front"…
NO KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just felt like crying. Of course I know how it is always done…but this horse looses her patience and then it is hard to do her hind legs…why not listen? Why start laughing before even trying to understand?
Why ignore me?
Also, he took her legs and put them on this metal thing, so that it's easier to take care of the hoof that way…but, of course you can use it nicely, try to find the place in which it's comfortable for the horse and not only to yourself…or you can of course, ignore the horse and do what you like. And that’s exactly what he did. So she was really nice to him, and did not complain at all, but I felt like crying. I ran up to my room, and looked at the mirror because I wanted to see how I looked. And boy, everyone that was there MUST HAVE SEEN that I was about to cry. But, of course, they ignored it.
I felt like not coming to the lunch, I felt like finding another place. And this is what I am thinking to myself right now: Is it really so good here?
I am not sure anymore.
I'm broken hearted!

Another thing,
The trainer is teaching me in a way that I don't agree with, he has knowledge, but he doesn't ride anymore, and it is hard to give knowledge of a feeling when you actually haven't felt it yourself for so long!
Another thing, the rider could make really big mistake and he would just say "good; he won’t explain the mistake and how to avoid doing it.
I feel like I have to be my own trainer, and I am OK with that, it's just that if I'm my own trainer, then why am I paying this place for training as well?
And I don't want to be without training, so I better be in a place where someone I appreciate can help me start from the ground up, but it doesn't have to be here!
I'm complaining a lot, I know, I just have to put all my emotions somewhere, or I will explode.
Anyway, I tell myself- calm down, give it some time; it’s just that I don't have all the time in the world! So how much time is enough?
I think that I should finish at least this month here, and then I'll go to Germany and France, visit some friends, and see some stables and check on my options there. Then I'll decide.
Also- I want to have one or two more horses to ride, and I better find someone to invest the money with me- so it'll be easier to take the risk, and to keep these horses.
I wish I could find a person who has some horses and wants someone to train them, and is willing to pay for all the costs, and for the trainer, for me, as well. I'm sure I could find someone like that, only it might take some time.
And until then…what can I do? How could I help myself find more things to do?  What could I do to help me complete my goals?

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