יום שישי, 14 בינואר 2011

My PMS…

My PMS…

I got my period, I'm eating a lot, I feel a lack of something, I feel bored, I feel that I have to run away from something, I feel like I have to feel up something…I went shopping today, I bought a dressage saddle one year ago, and I gave it back to the shop, so now they owe me money…also I considered buying a jumping saddle and give them as part of the deal- my old jumping saddle. It's a prestige saddle, it's very comfortable for me, the thing is that I feel this saddle has no special luck, not that it had a bad luck, just nothing special.
Also, this is the saddle I bought, and after a while stopped riding…also, I fell off Igrene in the competition, from this saddle…
I think I want to let this one go. My mother is coming next week, I'm looking forward to that, and she'll also bring me the Igrene's saddle. It's a saddle that has known many victories in the past, as well as some falling off from Igrene's former rider.
I hope that this saddle will bring us luck. The rest I will do along with my partner, Igrene…

I've started to think a lot about my grandmother…I began thinking that maybe I'll get myself a Romanian citizenship. I feel that I want to have more opportunities in this world, and that only being Israeli is limiting.
Israel is not a place that encourages athletes in any way; I remember being completely shocked when I heard about how bad my grandmother was treated. My grandmother the world's best table tennis player ever, Angelic Rozeanu, came to Israel after winning so much, and after a short time there she quit playing because the Israelis told her- "you know nothing about this game…"!
Yes, this is the way they also treat Olga Sirus today. Olga Sirus, a Jewish grand prix rider, who left the country and will be representing Russia in the Olympic Games. (If her plans will come true). And what about me?
Well, I'm ready to represent Romania, if someone there will invest in me. I definitely have my grandmother's sporting spirit; I've felt it all my life. But, I'm upset with myself since I never really tried hard enough in order to become the best I can.
So, now I will. I'm moving to France.
I want to be the best I can, and I think that as a Romanian I will have more chance, because the press will be all over me once they will understand what a story they have here…the granddaughter of the legend is coming back to the grand mother's roots…as a sports person as well…it's a come back to the family, and hopefully, the sporting achievements will be back as well.
I hope that due to these stories and due to the family connections, I'll find sponsors to help me become the best I can be, and then represent the country that will support me…and that country is definitely not going to be Israel, at least it doesn't seem like that right now…
Yes, I am also upset…
When I'm near my family I become this black-sheep, that's no good at anything that is considered good, that my way of thinking is so spread, that I don’t know what I want from life, and that I am too emotional and too spoiled and too whatever you want to say. my family has this ideas about perfect, that's very far from my own…the thing is that all the years I was asking myself what is so wrong with me…but as I grew up, and still growing, I realize that there are also people in the world who understand my way of thinking, that appreciate people like me, and that I'm something good on this earth, and not so shitty and bad and weird as my family makes me feel.
Imagine growing up in a place where everyone is the same, and you are different, and you're put down because you're not like the others…and you never hear that you are beautiful, that you are good, that they are happy to have you around…that they love you…
Well, do you feel good with yourself? How is your self esteem? Its sky high isn't it?
And are you sure about yourself?
How is your back? Do you feel you have a back? Or do you feel that your shoulder hurts because there is so much emotional baggage to carry…?
And my lesson in life is that I have to find the love from within, because it's not going to come from the outside…is it?
It's strange, but with my mother I'm so much better, a few years ago, after going to the psychologist, I decided that instead of complaining to a stranger, I better go to the real person. And I did, I just sat with my mother inside the computer room in my parent's house, and told her everything, how she hurt me when I was young, how she was never there for me, how she never said that she loved me, how she compared me all the time, how she frustrated me, how she doesn’t accept me as I am, and how I'm still so hurt by her…
And I was really surprised, but she took it all, she just carried everything I said, and she just carried me. My feelings had found a place with her, and it made me so calm. I felt so contended. I felt so good and so relived. She didn't say much, she never does, but since then she's acted differently, and she's changed, I see it in the look in her eyes, they have more love for me since then. Apart from that she also understands me much better since then. I feel like I've earned my mother back, and I'm so happy that I've spoken with her.
I'm not sure that I can keep on writing, since my computer is about to sink in my tears…well, I had to say something to lighten up a little…

My mother's had back problems since I can remember her, and my father has had them too, and Ophir has some serious issues with his back, and also Ilan, and there's me as well …
The family has no real support; I think this is the best description that I can give right now.

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