יום שבת, 15 בינואר 2011

Family visit…

Family visit…

speaking of family…yesterday my brother Ilan and his family told me they are coming to visit me the next day…so, I planned of going to a local show with them…but unfortunately, the local show in Eindhoven was canceled….then I asked Caroline: "Oh, is there any other show?".  "Yes, she said, there is the big final in Volkenswart."
"Ooh, thank you for saying that"…imagine if I wouldn't have asked I wouldn't have known…
Why was I so excited? Because it's a 160 c"m height course, because all the amazing riders of this sport will be showing there, because it's an international show, the kind of you only get to see on the Eurosport channel…and today…I get to see it  live, for the first time in my life!
Lucky me, yesterday I went shopping, and bought some really nice riding and casual cloths, so today, when I was there, between all the rich people that looks so neat and so gorgeous, and all the riders that ride are so unbelievably great, I also felt good, because I knew I also looked good…and also I was wearing some of the finest goods you could have in this sport on me…yes, sometimes money does give me confidence…why not? When you have money, in this field especially, you feel like all the rest, who also have money growing on trees…and sometimes I remember how it was, as a teenager, when my parents had all the money you could ever wish for…I looked so unbelievably rich…I was walking around like a rooster, all proud…and it was all from the outside, and inside, well, there I was really unhappy…

Speaking of shopping, I bought riding boots for competitions, their really beautiful.
So you can imagine me, walking there, also with my new boots…yes, I really looked great…and having my family there also raised my confidence, suddenly, I wasn't so alone for once …it felt so good.
I'm now thinking to myself: "Yes, I want to ride at this level, and I want to be so damn good, but, I don't want to do it alone." I once thought that in competitions I wanted it to be only me, the horse, and the trainer. Today I felt something different; I wanted to have a family too. I wanted to have a child. I want to belong to something. I don't want to share this entire dream only with myself. I want to raise at least one child! I want to take her or him with me to competitions, and hang out hand in hand.
Today I was holding my nephew's hand. At first I did it so that she will feel secure, but a second later, suddenly, I felt so good with myself, holding someone's hand and not being all by myself all the time…

I was looking at these riders, and I couldn't believe my eyes, all the former world winners, Olympic winners and any other prize you can imagine…and then, I told my brother- do you see this? This is what I want. This is my dream. To reach this level, to be as good, to be able to perform like that.
After their two kids got sick of being in the show, we went to eat, and Alma, Ilan's wife, told me about her performance in the dancing act she participated in…and I was so happy for her, she was able to convey to the audience the true feelings she felt inside. And I sat there thinking to myself, will I be able to touch people through my story? Will I be able to convey my feelings and send them to the world in a way that people could connect with them? Could I connect to people that don't even know me?
Every time I meet a member of my family, I become a little scared, because of the unsupportive family I have, and how ignorant they can be about feelings…which I really can't stand. But today it was different…I was there, and when I felt uncomfortable, I immediately asked myself why. The first time was when I said something about the idea of mine to become a Romanian citizen, and maybe get sponsors in Romania. Then there was silence, and then I felt bad. Why? Because I sensed my brother's disbelief along with his wife's. I sense that they didn't really believe in me and didn't believe in my ideas. Then we spoke about Ilan's sponsor for bridge, and I asked him- maybe she'd be interested in sponsorship…and he immediately said…well no…
So I could take it in the direction of being offended and then I'd get really tired and want to sleep and run away from the situation. But I took it another way- Orly, I said, relax, you can't make a person help you if he doesn't want to. The people  who'll want to help you will come, don't push it, and don't take it too hard, he doesn't have to help you…and don't try asking too much from him …go for people who do support, and do feel positive when you talk…
Then, I was still there, and I felt good about myself, I didn't disappear from the environment, and I didn't sink to my "shutting out the world" babble…

The day turned into an evening, I felt really good there with the company, I even told them about the book I'm writing, about the ideas I have for future economic support, how I'll get it, they looked curious, even a bit surprised, and I think that I feel even better now, because I feel that I'm creating something that's even passed my family’s criticism…gee…maybe I do have a future success story in my hand and I don't really know it yet…?

I thought I'd take a step today and talk with Nelson Pessoa. He is one of the greatest trainers in this sport. I wanted to ask him if he is ready to adopt me, teach me all he knows, provide me with horses…like I was his daughter…and for me…I will not ask a penny for what I will have to do in his stable, and I also promise not to argue, just listen and learn…and I wanted to tell him about my story, and my web site…and I thought maybe my Israeli roots will do something good today…but, then I saw that Rodrigo, his son, is in the competition, and I told myself, don't interrupt, you don't want to catch him at a bad time…and then Rodrigo retired from the course, and after that I saw Nelson walking and I felt…well…that it wasn't the right time to do it. Maybe I was wrong, but I trust my instincts apart from that I might just be a cowered…

Before I forget…yesterday there was a family of small people on the television, and they were happy. Why? The father explained- "Because we support each other, we work things out together, and this way we can do more, we are there for each other, we accept each other as we are, we love each other, and we work together as a team…"
It was a perfect ending to my writing session- yes, my family's raised four amazingly wise, talented, educated and successful people…but, the heart, the feelings, the team work, the family presence was  lacking, for me at least…I always felt that we were four bubbles in the house, we never shared anything, I know my parents had their own goals for raising a "well behaved child", but I don't agree with the parameters…I think that they are important for our surviving in this world, but for our happiness, I wish my family had also emphasized on caring, loving and sharing…and accepting everybody in the family as he is…I have to say that I know my parents do there best, and their intentions are always to make us happy…but…I also realize, that I have needs that don't always coincide with what they were able to give me, back then, in the past…


26/8/07
My mother is coming to visit me in 4 days!!!
I can't wait for that, I think this visit is going be so great…

First of all because my mother always liked to spoil me, she used to take me to shopping and buy me lot's of stuff that I wanted…and to have this kind of spoil I always really love, because I know this is the way she shows me her love, and this way I feel loved…yes…it's an old habit from home…
Another reason I think this visit will be important- is all the Romanian issue…
As you know me, or will get to know me, when I really want something, I go for it, and break through walls if needed…
And the more I think of it, I start to remember some of my grandmother's stories, about Romania, about the land they had there…she never really succeeded in saying how much land it was…she only could say it was hundreds of hectares…and that the Romanian government took it from her family in the war…and she never got it back…but…Oooh…she really wanted to get it back…
And when she would say that near my mother, my mother would always say: "leave it! They will never give it back; it's like crying over spoiled milk…"
And, I grew up, and I forgot all about it.
But now, that I want to train in Europe in order to become the best rider I can, I suddenly need to take care of my staying here, and that means getting a visa…and I told myself, damn, my roots are European! Why the hell shouldn't I ask permission to stay here? I'm originally from here!
And this is why I want to have my roots back.
When I let it sink, I started to think about this land that my grandmother lost. And I want to see what I can do about that too. Why do you think its OK for millions of European people to have there heritage from there great great great grandparents, and to also have more lands, more property…and the Jewish people have to start all over again from scratch?
I suddenly feel that my Olympic wish get another twist…it started to include my grandmother's wish…and I like it…I think that her wish is very important, and I very much feel obligated to carry it out, since no one else in my family will do that…they will all give it away without trying. Especially my mother, who can move houses if she wanted to, but when she hears the word Romania, she stop trying.
I think that I have some advantage here that it would be a pity not to use.
First of all, I have time!
Second of all, I am not afraid from anyone in Romania, since I never had any bad experiences there…I was not the one, unlike my mother and grandmother that had to escape from Romania in order to go to Israel…so, I'm much more emotionally capable of doing this job…
And thirdly…wouldn't it be nice to have some hectares more than I have now? That's always a good quality…and my horses will like that two…

When my mother will arrive here, I'll discuss with her my ideas, and see how she can help…I hope she will try to help as much as she can, but I know she has a Pandora's Box hiding under this Romanian issue…and this is why it will not be easy for her, not at all. I will try to help her open it really gently, and I know that I can support her emotionally when she does agree to open up…but I can't force her to do that. I only know that it will make her much happier person, and that it will make our connection much stronger…

I'm really in love with my extra goal…I really feel that I'm ready and most importantly ABLE to do that. When I think about my family, the most creative and stubborn one is me… my parents always had real trouble dealing with me, because I'm like that…but…here you see that these qualities can help me go real far…and I'm very lucky to have them and to be who I  am.
I feel like I really love myself for these qualities as well, and I feel that I can't wait to start this mission that I'm carrying on my shoulders…I will get my roots back!!!
So, now I will start learning to speak Romanian as well as



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