יום ראשון, 2 בינואר 2011

Feeling lonely...

Feeling lonely

I'm feeling so alone today,
I've been feeling for the past few days like Anat, my ex-girlfriend has met someone else, and that she's no longer thinking of me and waiting for me…and that makes me feel very lonely.
It's funny, I'm here, but when I know that people love me and think of me at home, I don't feel alone. But when I feel like nobody's thinking of me- that's a complete different story!
Like motherhood, it's enough to know it's there…
Anyway, it’s nearing that time of the month, and I was already pissed off yesterday!!!
I wanted to kill my horse and the entire world with her!
I wanted to ride alone yesterday, but then I got so mad that lucky me- the trainer was there to help me concentrate during the work itself, and not be stuck in my own anger. This is something to learn from-
When you are an amateur, you can be spoiled, and stuck, and ask the trainer to help etc', but when you want to be a professional, you have to solve the situation, and always focus on the target and the way, and not be spoiled and rest in your anger. It's like the different between being a child and being an adult…the responsibility factor changes!
It's strange, now I feel so happy, after the realization of this last paragraph I've just written. I'd planned on writing about how I felt alone, but now I feel so pleased with myself, and I don't feel alone anymore…
I want to feel more centered, myself, my own spirit, my connection with my horse, my feelings, and my body.
 I want to be in balance, and I want to stay in balance, but that's not exactly what I mean, I mean to be in balance- to be able to lose it and return to it, to be able to move with balance, not to hold on to the balance…and this is what riding is all about- self balance, horse balance and balancing together. You can't hold a balance. You have to achieve balance in a certain moment, and you have to look for it in the next moment as well!
When I come to think about it, all my life I've been looking for harmony, and I practice being in it longer and longer each day…maybe this explain why I love riding so much, and why I'm sometimes afraid to get on the horse, because I'm afraid to not achieve the balance and feel myself and the horse in such a mess!


























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