יום שלישי, 18 בינואר 2011

My new home 2…

My new home 2…

It is very strange to write when things are actually OK, and I feel good, and people understand me, and I'm riding and progressing more and more, and the instructor's helping build my confidence, and I feel I belong, and I love the horses here, and I agree with the way they work with them, and I'm getting another horse from the instructor to compete with. And when I say something, people listen…funny, they don't even understand English…
So, I have been in this stable for three days already. This stable is in Strasbourg, just on the border of Germany and France. People speak here German and French, and I guess I will learn them both in the end…
I already started working on my French, the thing is that it's easier for me to understand than to talk, but it will come…
I took already two lessons, one in dressage (working with the horse on gymnastic exercises), and one in jumping.
In both of them the instructor already shed light on my real problems in riding, and I am happy, because I feel I can trust her to notice what I have to work on, and also to help me become better and better.
Well, these are some of the things I need to do: sit more straight, Push the horse more from my leg;
After the fence, continue to balance my horse, since there might be another fence after…
Yes, the truth is I couldn't describe it better myself…
I like the way she rides, she puts a lot of weight on the dressage work, but also proceeds in a good tempo towards fences…which was really lacking for me in Holland. 
I have already noticed the horses here, both in the stable, and in the competitions,
I like these types of horses: light, quick, with a lively temperament. Well, of course that's just a description I am using to give a general sense of most of the horses here.

The people in general are much friendlier here, and the horses are much more talented…
It looks like the French people still care truly for the sport, which I cannot say about the people from Holland (I'm not referring to the stable I was at in Holland, since Caroline, the rider, cares a lot for her horses as well as for the sport!). In Holland they care more for the money than for the sport; you can see it in the attitudes towards the horses and towards the people, and also in the dark look in their eyes, without any spark. You can see the competition in people's faces.

Most of the Israeli sports people follow the Holland system of riding and prefer horses from Holland, and that way one person tells another, and everyone, almost, follows this same road, and most people are very close minded and refrain from listening and learning more ways.
I always find myself in the French way…maybe this is why my name is Orly, like the French air port…
I know now, that it is very good for me, since every one is so close, and I actually feel I have found a treasure box, full of good horses and people…full of talented riders, full of charm, which was so lack with others. Well, if there's no one who really wants to share with me, that's OK. I will enjoy all of this by myself, why not?

I can bring much better horses to Israel, people may not understand how I do it, but it is easy: there are so many good horses here; it's actually easy to buy a super good horse here, at least relative to the Israel level. These horses for sure will be winners, above the level of the other horses, just like it was with Housty.
I think I found a really good place for me, where I fit in very naturally, and I hope to keep on feeling like this in the future.

I also think about it in a mystical sort of way…my name is Orly Herbst: that's half German and half French…and this is exactly the location I am in right now, so, I guess the instructions were there all the time; I hope I finally got to understand them correctly…

OK, people are starting to appreciate me here…
And…I think my period is coming; I have less patience, my back's starting to hurt a little bit…

I have a lesson every day, and start to get compliments…private people start asking me to train there horses…!
But…today I had a dressage lesson with Igrene, and at first Estelle was riding her, Igrene was going good…then I came on, and slowly but surly Igrene became longer and longer, I lost her…which end up by me feeling bad about my riding as compare to Estelle, and more to that, Igrene was unhappy, which made me even more upset…!

I am a bit confused about riding…every coach and his own way of explaining…every place and his own style of riding…and I try to fit…but I think that most important is for me to find my peace of mind, and that will happen when I have also time for understanding and practicing alone! I promises to myself to put more practice alone as well…there are enough horses here I can practice with in lessons!

I made some new friend here. Lucy, Barbara, Sam, Alex, Estelle.
Tomorrow I will ride Lucy's horse in a jumping lesson and afternoon in dressage…I am waiting for that, since that horse is just like Housty, my first horse…also Anglo-Arab, also with huge heart!
Lucy is a handicap girl; she was born with one arm shorter. She is competing in Para equestrian competition as well as in normal ones!
Barbara is a German girl, she speaks really good English and she is the "translator".
Sam is a French girl that works here as well, she is really trying to speak English, and she and Lucy, well, especially Lucy, try to teach me and Barbara French…and I am very happy for that!
My French is getting better and surprisingly also my germane…
There is a guy here, named Philip.
He is a dentist. Did you ever hear those dentists are actually sadists…? Well, that is a perfect example for that!
He has four horses, but he only jump with them and compete.
As you see him ride, you will immediately see that this guy is using his horses in quite a nasty way. I now have the permission to do dressage with these horses…well, they are really good horses, the thing is that I will see, if every time after him the horses will be stiff and feel really bad- I will not do it, unless I am paid for doing that!
Yes, on the one hand- people start to give me to ride, and that is good news! But, as for him, I don't like to ride after a man, usually, because man use more power, and then the horse is used to use more power in order to balance that…and I don't like to feel that I also have to use so much power…
I am really not happy after today's lesson, since I felt not in balance, and that I lean on my horse.
After the riding, Igrene was putting her head near my chest, as if she was saying, it's ok, I know you, you also have your days…I forgive you, I love you…I really felt that from her, and I love her so much for being so forgiving…maybe I have to learn also to forgive more…she only stopped with me once, and I already say she have a small heart…but actually she is most of the time so there for me, and to say that is just to ignore all the good feeling she is giving me most of the time!

Well, this changing of location is very good for me!
I am being appreciated here, the trainer like my riding, and also know to give compliments when deserved them. The atmospheric is good, and I am riding every day in a lesson and also on more horses so I am improving and I feel that I am starting to get into shape…but not enough, I want to be better…!
I feel this is a good place to blossom since there are so many horses, and the possibilities are endless. Only for international shows it will be difficult since Estelle, the trainer, will not be able to come and help there, and also, it is expensive since international show you need also to pay for the transportation, the box for the horse and the hotel for you…so instead of 50 euro for competition it can be 1000…a small different… but for now, I am perfectly OK with competing "only" in France…the level here is very high, and so it is a good base for me, at list till the international level, and also then, I can still be here, but will need a sponsor for better horses and for the other costs involved with competition internationally…but for now, there are so many grand prix in France, that I will be very happy to compete in them first…!
The current environment is good for me, and I feel home here.

I feel Estelle is happy to teach me, she invest in me, this sure feels good. The different here is that I feel she is really passionate about the sport and less for the money, there for she is not yet corrupted. I hope that it will stay that way. I hope in the future, when I am back in Israel, to be able to come with my students to France, to this stable, and buy horses from her. I hope that I will develop a good trusting relationship with her.

I have already had my eye open on one young horse here, who jump big fences with pleasure…and I think about buying him. I know that if I take him to international shows, he can maybe prove to be a smart investment…and so far, I believe in him. But, I will keep my eyes open, and see how he does in the future, and also try him few time to see whether I can get along with him or not.
Yesterday I had a jumping lesson with Leila, Lucy's mare.

The reason it was so amazing was a combination of two things-
The first is that I got to realize how much better my riding is today than it was when I had Housty. In the past, I was only doing what Housty wanted, and did not interfere with his decisions. And it did work very well. But, now I am also still able to go with the horse decision, but also to interfere and ask something else, and buy that even help the horse. And that technical ability I didn't have in the past.
The other reason was the fact that I was riding this horse in order to make it better for Lucy! And that felt so good. I really got out of my own skin, and did things that usually I would be spoiled and don't put so much effort to succeed, but since it was for Lucy, I had this responsibility on my shoulders, and I felt I have to explain the horse what to do so it will help Lucy after wards, when she will ride. Also, Estelle ask me to come without reins, and I just thought to myself- I am Lucy now, and I just came in that role, and still was able to help the horse do the exercise like I would want her to do with Lucy. And it really feels my heart doing that! I think I would love to help handicap that compete- I will love help them buy riding there horses so the horses will become more suitable for them after my riding. It is something that really feels my heart, since I really help someone else, and really give from myself. And that feels so good!
There is a progress in my French, but still, I talk like a cave woman…me eat now bread…it is funny, but not so convenient…
Next week is my first competition here, I am waiting for that. I will go to the small course with Igrene and with Chapman. I hope to start and feel confidence also in the competitions, and so to get better and better!

Ooo…I just remembered: I told my father that the people here love the way I ride and give me more horses to ride, so his reaction was, "yes, they'll start using you. And I had to correct him: "no, it's also private individuals with their own horses."
So his reaction is not to hear me and be happy with me, no. only… to point out what is bad…"please, don't feel good, you are stupid. You don't see things accurately. Everyone is using you; you are not as happy as you think; people are not really like you as you think they are." And the hidden message, the one that sometimes he even dares to utter out loud: "you are no good; you don't see reality; you cannot be trusted; you shouldn't trust yourself." Now, I have a question: why?
Why the hell do I have to listen to all this crap?
And I'm starting to understand why I always argue with people about the different ways you can choose in life, about who is right and in what way: that's actually my need to act out the old discussion between me and my parents …
And also, I understand why I've always been so sensitive to the environment and the feedback I get,  if they put me down or not: it's because that's the way I struggle in my own home…to guard myself from my closest environment, so that my own parent will not put me down for being different…

A struggling point: today I have really low motivation. I have 9 horses to take care of, and four of them to ride, I feel tired; I feel I don't want to do it. It's hard, I am not good at it, I feel slow, and I want to get it over with --why? I feel used…might be that my father's words affected my head…

I have started to think maybe to learn to become a psychologist, because I am very good in my observations, and like to help people with issues, and I would love to work in that also in the future. Maybe I could study here in France. Actually, this was my mother's idea: it would also be easier to get a visa that way.
And I am confused: would I be unmotivated if my parents would support the sport and want me to succeed in that? My guess is that I would have tons of motivation, because I would make myself happy, and also them!!!
But, no, they will be happy if I do something "real" in their eyes, like study, and the horses can be just for the fun and the sport. It was never a very worthwhile target in their eyes.

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