My Back is Stuck!

My back is stuck!

Ok, maybe it's not so surprising that after we spoke about my deepest feelings, I fall apart…yesterday I was riding this young horse, and today my back is stiff…!

Damn it!

I cannot stop thinking:" god, what are you trying to tell to me?

Am I not built up for this riding dream? Am I too fragile?

Is it only my fears or is it a real problem I have in my back?"

When I think about my back, and in this case- feel it so sore, I immediately remember the origin of the pain.

Let me take you few years back. I was about 13 years old, maximum 14. All my free time during the summer I spent at the stable. It was the Shining Valley Farm, based in Yokneam, Israel.

The Zohar family where running it at the time, and Yaron was the main trainer at this stable.

I remember that every one of the kids there were in a summer camp. That means that you have a whole horse camp with more children with you.

You eat together, go to the pool together, and have theory lessons and riding lessons…

It was in one of these camps that I deeply fell in love with the horses, the riding, and the environment of the stable.

I have to say that Yaron was so charismatic that I, as a child, would do anything just to get a good word out of him, just to be loved and wanted for a second.

Just like me all the other kids felt the same, and because of that, we helped do anything we could every morning.

We mucked out the stables, carried the water piles (which could weight around 60 kg each…) we also cleaned the horses and prepared them for our lessons and took care of Yaron's horses. (I think god of horses as in the best)

I even remember him throwing brushes at me and commanding me: "you clean those two horses!" So of course I did it.

How does all this connect with my back problems?

I remember one day, I was helping clean out stables, and carry all by myself 20 big garbage cans filled with shit, carrying them myself to the tractor trailer, emptying them there, again by myself, and again…

I don't remember if I was 13 or 14, but I do remember that that was the first time ever I felt my back hurts!

That night I had back aches for the first time in my life. It felt so painful that suddenly I found myself thinking before changing my position from sitting to lying down.

I didn't tell my parents about it since I was afraid they would stop my riding, which was my life at the time!

These painful injuries never fully recover. Every time I carry something heavy, I feel that pain again. Every time I put my pressure on my back, I feel that pain again…

Since then so many years have passed, I cannot say anything to these people, but at least, I learned the lesson myself.

I also managed a stable, and there where also children running around and wanting to help in any way they could, and they would do anything, but from my own experience's, I didn't let them work at the stable at all, I only let them clean a horse, or do something else which is physically and mentally easy to do.

Now my back's been paining me since the morning, but I've decided not to give up to it- and I rode the young horse again. As I rode him I thought to myself- that maybe it will help my back doing the same thing I did yesterday…

This young horse was already doing better than yesterday, and that I'm very happy and pleased about that with myself. Only the back situation isn't better at all.

Now I'm pondering the question: "should I rest? Should I take medicine? Should I keep on going like everything's normal? Should I go see doctor?"

The last time I saw a doctor he took X-rays of my back and found nothing…so I really don't know what's best for me to do at the moment.

I'm trying to understand what the pain means. Does it mean that I should only ride a maximum of two or three good, well educated horses a day?

Maybe it means that I toned to be relaxed during my riding sessions and not stress my back like I did yesterday. Maybe it means that I have to be more aware of my limits, and listen to my body and not force myself to do more that I actually can before I'm ready to raise my level, like that holistic person told me- that I must raise my level slowly and not rush myself or the horse.

The holistic woman told me about the backs' meaning-it means support, and yes, right now I don't feel like I have support, I feel all alone here, and I feel that I'm the only one who wants this dream for me, and I'm very week because of this.

Speaking of holistic…did I tell you about Nashville? She was a very good jumping mare, 13 years old, and on Monday, with no sign at all- she died in the field because a very big blood vessel exploded in her heart. This was like the kiss death for her. That's almost the best death a horse could wish for. The inner bleeding was so big, the brain shut down immediately, so she felt nothing, and then her body collapsed within seconds.

The thing is, and that's still quite a shock for me, because just the night before this happened, I heard a strange sound at the stable at about 1 o'clock in the morning. I ran downstairs, and I thought to myself that I had to check what’s going on because I didn't want to see a dead horse in the morning and think it was me who could have saved him…but here I am, and there's a dead horse in the morning!

Before I forget-

I didn't tell you about Sona…this is Caroline's and Vibe's new working student?

Yep, she came here with her new horse, she got a stable and a room and she's supposed to work every day for that…well, I think supposed is the perfect way to put it since the first day she actually worked (Monday…the day that Nashville died!!!), then by nightfall she already felt really bad. She had a terrible pain in her ear-she really was suffering! She woke me up in the middle of the night to know if I had any pain killers…since she is over 20 years old, I gave her what she wanted.

Anyway, the day after that she went to her boyfriends', to rest there. That's still understandable, Right?

The thing is that she left her horse in my care. She promised to SMS me the following night, to tell me if she was coming back and how she's doing. But she didn't do that, and, well, basically she brought a horse, and disappeared!

So now I don't really know what to do- I do take care of the horse, but I'm worried about her- she's either such a childish and irresponsible person, or that something is very wrong with her.

Well, I'll wait for tomorrow to see if there is any development in the situation.

I'll see what my situation is…

Damn it! Ever since she came here too many bad things have happened. If it was my stable- I would have asked her to leave for sure!

She didn't phone, and Vibe asked me to ride her horse. That was a 5 years old mare which has poor schooling.

I tried to balance her so much, trying to prove myself that I know what I am doing, try to prove Vibe that I am good try and try and try too much!

It was right after this ride that I got my back stuck!!!