Some inside Digging...

Some inside digging…

I'm here all day, I ride my own horse, which is great, but I know it could be much more effective to have another horse. Damn it! I'm so close to the ideal way, and I feel stuck!

If I put my horse in another place, then I'll have to pay for training, transportation, etc., and that will already cost me more than it is now!

How can I do that?

How do I get to train more?

Yep, of course I can work, but than I'll be cleaning boxes…and that kills my back…

I can offer people to train their horse, but for now- who's heard of me here? Why should anybody let me ride their horse when they don't even know how I ride?

Well, I know I could buy a horse, and keep him here, but, I don't have enough money to buy a good horse, let alone keep it at the moment…

But how do I get to these people with those horses. These people have money, they keep horses as a hobby and want to pay someone to keep the horses working and improving?

I know that Wendy know this guy who is exactly like that. Also, Tomer is working for people like that in England…Caroline is riding customer's horses, also Uri, but those are customers he knew before, and also- he deals with horses…

Ok- that would also be a possibility-

Maybe I can buy a horse with Caroline and Vibe- and split the cost of him, and ride him myself?

What else?

I could work for a dealer, and then I'd have to ride so many horses a day, that I will for sure get either very good or very very good…but stay without any energy in the end of the day…

I can also help selling horses and get a commission, but that's a business in which I'd have to know the people who sell the horses and also the people who look for these horses…

Another idea is to open my web site, the one I thought about when I was in Israel…maybe it'll work?

For now, it looks like the web site option is ideal, since I have so much time to invest in it, and also- maybe it'll be a big success.

I know that in the past every time I had more than one horse, I regretted it. It was too much responsibility and I hated the fact that I had to ride them, it simply wasn't a hobby anymore… one horse kept me for sure in the hobby side of the deal.

Is that what I want- to stay in the not to committed side of the deal?

No!!!!!!!!!!

I am in Europe!!!

I want to learn and do the maximum I can. One horse simply won't do!!!

I'm running after my tail…aren't I…?

18/7/07

Ok, I think I'm OK now, after seeing Harry Potter, and after being invited to a very nice dinner, and after riding three horses yesterday, and after jumping with Igrene while with control, after discussing option of having another horse, and maybe buying one half myself and half another person.

Well, now I feel like things are moving. I'm learning, I hope to succeed with my own horse and raise both our levels above what both of us have ever done…so there's still a lot to come!!!

If you'd tell me now: "yes, tomorrow you'll wake up and have 7 grand prix horses to train every day"- I don't want that!

I do want two or three horses to train and compete. Not more than that.

I feel so confused since I'm almost 33, and I still don't know what to choose!

I don't want to commit to anything, I don't want to say hey, this is me…I am this and this and this…and dam it, I don't want to say this is me- because I don't want to create any limits for me.

When you don't say what you are- and you don't commit- the good thing to come out of it is that you don't disappoint yourself. The bad thing is that you leave without edification!

In a perfect world-

I would like to have four horses and a groom and a personal trainer, and a shiny truck with everything inside that’s needed to travel and compete internationally!

Where do I live? With who? Is it children? What else do I do?

I ride two to three of my horses a day, to keep in shape, and I have a rider at my stable to keep these horses in shape as well.

I live free of commitments, I'm not sure that I have a partner in this dream. Wait, let me concentrate…well, I have someone who is younger than me, and not in marriage. It could be something serious, but I don't see children in it, at this moment. As long as I travel- no room for kids right now...

I want to have a nice home in nature, with ten stables, manage, indoor, and all it takes to keep horses well trained and happy, maybe a swimming pool- for the horses…

I remember that few years ago I was lost; I had no idea what I wanted to do. Then I asked myself the same question and the answer was having two horses, in the garden of the house, and help people help themselves…

I still like this dream as well.

I love having targets, and I'm just not sure that I can achieve the first one, that's why it's not that realistic now…but I know that I can shape reality for myself, otherwise- how could I be here, in Europe, in  a training stable with my horse…(!!!)

In the Harry Potter movie he says- you have to believe in yourself, that’s the most important thing. This is really my weakest point…this is why I am here!!!

All my life I have been struggling with the question- am I good enough? I usually think that I'm not- and then, my goal is to prove to myself that I am.

During School- I wasn't popular, and I was really shitty at studying- I ended up having good social connections and being one of the top students in the whole school…

As a rider I had Housty, my first horse, and together we won every competition possible and reach every level possible at that time…

Now I find that it's hard to say what I want and really believe in!

Because one day it's true and the next day- I already want something else…

I think that if I'd find a partner, and live near a stable with both of us training horses and competing- I feel happy with that thought.

I don't feel happy with cleaning stalls every day, though feeding the horses has its charm…

Still, if it's every day- I'd prefer to keep my one horse in other's stables.

I had a dream of my own stable, coaching good riders with private horses…actually- I touched that dream already, and discovered that I want to become the best rider I can, and it has nothing to do with running my own school stable, except for the fact that I get salary out of it, which is good, but not that satisfying!

It's a dangerous business, and everyday you can be sued for a child falling from a horse!

But who am I kidding? I just want to concentrate on myself as a rider, and get as good as I can at this. I want to focus on that.

Now, I have an idea of buying horses with partners.

Well, the past experience says that I can, but I never sold a horse, except Yale, and him I sold at half price  because my main issue was to find him a good home to take care of him and love him as he deserve…I definitely couldn't run a business like that!

Now,

I look around me and see Caroline's trophies and medals. Would I be happier with these medals? The answer is of course not! But I'd be happy every time I felt that I succeeded in doing the thing that I thought I couldn’t do! Whether it's riding a horse that I thought would be too hard for me to ride, jumping a fence that I thought would be too high and scary, or winning the jump off against the best riders in the world!

Yes, I'd be happy every time I feel alive, every time I'd challenge myself and sometime succeed and sometimes not.

Doesn't it feel good to fulfill your potential?

And this is what my dream is all about- becoming the best I can. Maybe one day I'll decide that it isn't in the field of horse sports, but until then,

I want to be the best I can in what I do- and that is raising my level in show jumping, and I will see where I go from there!

And also- the buying horses half price, share half of the expenses, and sell for hopefully more- and also split the income in half- this is the normal model of buying a horse with a partner.

I think that when I'll feel more secure with my level of riding I will buy another horse.

Although I also want to do it right now!!!

But I restrain myself- I learn more, see who I can trust, and also learn more about the horses in the stable and beyond it. I learn about the prices I can offer for a horse, and well- I study the field. The costs, the way to train and keep a horse in shape, the different ways to get to the same last point of getting better and competing in the higher levels…if I feel that I have the courage to do it right…!!!