יום שלישי, 11 בינואר 2011

Visiting Sophie in France…

Visiting Sophie in France

I was so exited, waking up on Saturday, and starting to phone car companies.
The one I knew nearby turned out to be closed!!! Then I phoned the car rental in Eindhoven, and that one was open until .
It was already , how could I get there?
I immediately went for a quick shower, and there was a song with high tempo, playing on the radio, and that helped me quicken myself. After that I threw the cat in the room, then some food, and then some water. After that I went looking for Wendy to take care for the horse until I'll be back. Then there were the phone, the clothes, the perfume, the numbers, and the computer. Take the computer or not? Well, no I won't take it.  What else should I take? And everything has to be done very quickly.
Then I went down and tried to figure out how I'm going to get to this car rental as soon as possible…hmmmmmm. It's not so easy, no busses, and the train isn't close, and there isn't much time…OK, I'll take TAXI!!!
But which taxi?
Wendy, the amazing woman, started to phone and asked for a taxi, and finally, we found a taxi, which also arrived on time, and I was on my way!!!
So, at , I was already in my rental car, with this navigator as my new road companion…
And I just sat there, smiling to myself, I started to relax…

I got the exact address from Sophie, and after 6 hours of driving, I finally got there…
Who is Sophie?
Sophie is a French woman I met in Deurne, when we did the international trainer course. We immediately clicked and we had two wonderful weeks, and we spent all the time we could together, very naturally.
She was always a person that I felt comfortable with, from the very start, and her frame of mind was always very easy for me to understand, she was also easy to communicate with.
Yes, and also I found her attractive…
We met in France, and she took me to her new boyfriends', and we met her parents, and her new boyfriend, and we had a very calm evening together.
We just clicked again, as if we never stopped being in touch.
So I found myself in this position where I'm attracted to her, but I'm afraid to do anything that'll ruin our relationship, because I don't want to loose her as a friend, and here she is, with a new man in her life, who's all over her, and I must admit that I’m just a little bit jealous…
I felt really strange, but if I'm going to really be honest with myself, I felt that I wanted her as more than a friend, but I'm not ready to take that chance yet.
We were sleeping at this new boyfriend's house, and went to her stable the next morning.
Her stable is located between the mountains, in a place that even the navigator couldn't find. It's a place to run to when you want to escape the world. It's a place for bears, like Sophie, like me.
But, the place isn't really suitable for my purposes at the moment, as a competitive rider. It's more suited to relax.
I told her that we have to look for jumping stables, because if I'm going to stay at her place, I'd definitely find myself within a week walking between trees and doing nothing else, and right now I want a competitive environment, and to develop my own skills.
She made some phone calls, and set two appointments for me tomorrow morning.
We once again we went to this man's house. This time, he ignored me completely, and I felt that he was afraid that she'll leave him. Apart from that I also felt like he wished I wasn't there, he didn't even say hello to me…
And well, I have to say that I wanted him to disappear as well, deep inside, I wanted her for myself…good, everyone on Sophie…
There I was, eating with them, and Sophie was so nice, trying to help me understand everything they said, and really keeping me in the picture, but, there were three people, and no one really wanted to be in this threesome, except maybe Sophie, because this way she could be protected from being really intimate with this guy.

After a few hours, we finally went from there, Sophie really apologized this weekend's bad organization, but I said, that I hoped she felt natural as she could, because I didn't want to impose as a guest, I wanted to be just a friend that came around…more and more.

I'll finish the story by telling that I've found a stable, in Strasbourg, it's on the border between France and Germany, and I will be in the French side…
And I'll be speaking French in no time, since these people don't really speak anything else; except germen…which doesn't help me at the moment…

Dear readers, we are going on a journey to France around the 7.9.07, Sophie will probably come to the Netherlands, to pick me up and take me home…
I feel so very tired now, I feel that there's something that I want to escape from…maybe it's from riding my horse? Maybe I just feel depressed here and want to do nothing? Maybe it's all the arrangements again, that I have to do before I go to France?
And maybe it's the things I want and cannot get…like a car, more horses, international shows, Sophie…?
And maybe I am just feeling the death of the current situation and the birth of the new one!!!

I forgot to tell you about my back…
I was riding an Andalusian horse, at Sophie's place, and it was so comfortable for my back, I really enjoyed riding him, I even worked with him a little about his own problems, and it was really felt very good for me to finally ride without any eyes on me that all the time think about how amateur I am…
Then, I went on Sophie's bicycle…that's the nickname of Cambroon, her wonderful selle France horse. He's 17 years old, and hardly wants to move, especially after yesterday when he was moving so well, so I did some light sitting, that's when the rider is half standing, in order to reduce the pressure on the horse's back. I felt so soft and relax, I really enjoyed myself, and then it happened. Click, and then I felt pain in my back again. It's like something was moving, a small part that suddenly press my bones and nerves and muscles.
I got so upset. Why? Why do you do it to me? God why? Is this the wrong dream for me? Is riding not what I'm supposed to do?
If not, what will I do now? What about this story? Will I stop it at once? Should I stop this road I'm on at once? Am I on the wrong track here?
I suddenly felt so lost and confused. I didn't know what to do. Is it that now I want something that's too big for me?
Do I really want it?
Maybe not?
I'm so afraid of not succeeding, that I all the time find an excuse not to even try and improve, and to confront my fears…I most of the time, here in the NEVER land, find myself avoiding every competition, and avoiding training hard, and for everything I find an excuse of why it's wrong…and in the end? In the end I'm in this comfort zone, that is actually like death for me…no movement whatsoever, and of course, a shelter from thinking that I cannot do it, because this way, I don't really try…

Yes, I want to try. I am afraid of realizing and from discovering my own limits…very afraid of that. When you don't do- you always can say you could have if you just wanted…but what do you do when you do and don't succeed? Then what do you feel?
Feel that you're not good enough!
Feel low self confidence,
Low self esteem,
Self hatreds…
Loser,
No one,
Walking zero…

See, it's not something nice to feel, is it?
So what's better to sit and do nothing and not take the chance or take the chance? This way you don't feel bad, but not feel good as well…

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