My first competition in
Well, yesterday we went to a practice show in
, and I was going to a small course, a height that Igrene and I were supposed to be able do while sleepwalking. Belgium
I don't know why, but already during the warm up, I felt that she didn’t want to jump today.
I pushed her, and she didn't react, I gave her a whip, and then Vibe said that she was going to do well. I said, she doesn't want to go…"I don't see that…" he repeated.
I doubted my own feelings (once again…never doubt your own feelings!!!).
We went into the ring, already on the second fence she bumped it to the ground, like she didn't really want to make the effort, and we continued on.
I felt that I couldn't find the right pace and that at every fence I lost my confidence about the stride…and then, we came to the triple combination. I saw the perfect stride, but she didn't want to go, so I forced her, and she stopped in the middle of the combination.
I wasn't prepared for this refusal, and I immediately got off.
I hit her twice immediately, so she'll know that stopping equals pain…
Then we went on to another round, and I lost my stirrup, and gave her terrible distances, I was amazed- she didn't refuse this time, except that this time, I deserved one or two stops…!!!
We came to the combination, and I gave her no choice this time, and she didn't hesitate. She knew she HAD to do the job this time.
So, I finished riding, took care of my pony (well, she was more a pony in her behavior than a horse today…)…
But inside I knew that something was wrong, terribly wrong.
If I'll ride like this, and loose my confidence, and also my horse suddenly doesn’t want to move for me…something is wrong. I, and my horse, have to change the environment, because something here obviously isn't working…
On the way back, we discussed the courses I made…I again said- she wasn't moving during the warm-up…and then Vibe said: "Ooh, so why didn't you fix it?"
I was amazed at his simplicity in saying that. Firstly he eliminated my feeling during the warm-up, and then asked me why I don't do what I feel.
I don't want to be here anymore, I feel like this place isn't suitable for us.
I lose my confidence, and most importantly, I'm going to loose my horse's willingness, and that's a risk I am not about to take.
I feel as if no one understands me here, and more importantly, no one WANTS to understand me here. I don't feel anybody really cares, and I can't stand to be in a place where I don't feel like anybody cares.
I'm paying, and they give for what I pay, and that's ok, but I also want to feel that they really care for me, for my mind, for my feelings. Every time I say what I feel, they don't really react; they just keep on going with their own schedule…
I called Nancy, my former trainer in
, and told her everything I've been going through. Israel
And she gave me a big hug, told me how she felt the exactly the same way when she was in
20 years ago. And then, I felt better, as if someone in this world really sees me and really understand me… Holland
Another thing that happened that morning was that I had a feeling that Igrene was going to stop today. And she never stopped with me, ever…
Another thing was that Sona. The stager came to help Caroline. I felt that there were really strong bad energies from those two. I told myself, if something bad is going to happen today, I felt like she really had this evil eye upon her. I don't know if you believe in the evil eye, but, sometimes I do believe in it…I do believe that there are people that, consciously or not, want you to fail. And it's these energies can come and make a difference.
I remember seeing Karim, an international rider from
. I saw him during the Sunshine tour, and he was doing unbelievably well. Egypt
Than, suddenly, he fell from his horse, and nothing well anymore.
And I could see, in his facial expression that he truly felt that someone has put the evil eye on him…and I have to say that from the side, it really looked like that.
But I'm sure that we could develop a big conversation about it if it's only in that persons' head; maybe he invited it upon himself; maybe he thought he doesn't deserve to be well…everything is possible, it's also possible that I've decided that Sona being around means bad luck for me…
But, I truly feel that she's bad luck, and not only for me…
Its night now and I have made a very important decision today.
I am leaving this stable, and I am looking for another one!
I have unlimited options. Why stay here? If I stay here, my confidence will definitely become so low, and I might end up so depressed. Then I'll not only be an amateur, I'll be a very bad amateur…
I've decided to change my environment. I always say that I create my own future, so in order not to waste too much time wandering around, I'll try to be clear about what environment I think will help me feel good, and progress…
A small stable with jumping riders;
An opportunity to ride more horses;
Transportation to competitions (every other week);
Lessons once or twice a week would be enough;
A place to travel to outside, for clearing both my mind and my mare's;
Internet, so I could keep on working on my website.
It should be a place where I'll feel independent (maybe I should have a car? A trailer? Or maybe I could rent Wendi's trailer…?)
I wanted to feel that what I say and what I want, and that I'd practice most of the time alone, and if I train, I choose the trainer, when and where…I don't want someone else to decide my schedule for me.
The good thing I have discovered is Wendy!!!
As soon as I told her that I'm not sure anymore, and she sensed that I really need her help, she took me and showed me around!
I think I have a friend in the
! And that is so important!!! Netherlands
So, she took me to her boyfriend's place, and then we went to drink something, and I already felt relived…yes, it's very hard being here all alone, without friends, without my trainer, without my students…without any supporters…
I wish Tamar, my student was here,
I wish I had a car and a trailer, and two horses to compete with every week… (That means four horses, and compete every other week with each horse…)
I wish I had help during competitions…
I think I'll already feel good in two weeks when I move from this place to another…no, wait, I actually feel better already, because I started to change my destiny…
I will speak and make appointments:
Carlos- Belgium (now is a good time to meet!)
Gabriel- Holland (not now, maybe for training)
Michel- France (now is a good time to meet!)
Phil- Holland (been there, need to speak with her on the phone…place on the lorry?)
(now is a good time for that!) Holland
Every dream has a realistic side…and this is the realistic side of my dream:
I have to raise 100,000 Euros for the first year, so I can get better…
Now, if I look at the smallest thing I need –
Another horse for practice, which would cost around 50,000 Euros.
Upkeep per month: 500-1000 Euros per horse. Going to competitions with the truck of the place I am at, or rent a car and a trailer…
Then I'll need to sell this horse and buy another one, train him and sell again. That way I could keep on going, and also train more…
Yes! I could do this!!!