My mother is here…
I love the feeling that I belong in the company of rich people. It gives me a feeling of confidence. I always raise my self-standards, making sure to choose the best taste, clothes, and the richest sport. As long as I remember myself, I've always wanted to be very rich. Even as a child. I felt that is the key to true freedom, happiness, confidence and high self esteem.
I touched all of these today with my mother, buying clothes of the rich. That was when it crossed my mind that I want to belong to the high society. I really do, and I act like a person who wants to be considered one of them…
I'm offended by my mother's attitude towards me in general, which led me to explode in the Emmers shop, when I felt no credit for my own way of thinking, no slightest belief that I am capable of thinking or establishing anything on my own, no respect for me as an equal, she's always talking from above and commanding, telling me how to do things the "right" way. No advising, no sharing, just commanding and controlling.
At that point, when I couldn't take anymore, I just let it out: I stopped her and asked her to change her attitude, since I began to become really offended, because my abilities are not recognized by her at all. She puts me down in front of everyone, she's not on my side (though I know actually she is on my side, but it doesn't feel this way when she commands).
It was just like she did when I was in school, and the teacher was telling her how bad I am, and she didn't try to see me, she immediately attacked me in front of the teacher, and I was so alone, and so hated by her, and so not loved by myself anymore. I felt alone in this world. No backing from my own blood. Actually she wanted me to be a good pupil, to study well and to succeed, but, I think that first you have to be on my side, you have to see me, understand me, and then talk with me, not control me and command me. I am a person, no matter what age, no matter what I do, I still deserve to be treated with respect as a human being, and not like dirt on the floor that you can allow yourself to step on!
Imagine that you have your own way of working, and you succeed with your achievements (well, most of the time, as it should be), and also your students are doing really well most of the time…and someone just decides that you are not good enough, because you are not exactly in the shape of his box…
And they said it also to this guy who works in the stable that I manage…I am telling you, people can be so rude sometimes, and so untactful…and, well, so I know that I too can be like that sometimes, but I think it is OK to still respect other people's ways, even if not my own. I say: live and let live!
Time flies, and this week is over. It ended with a nice dinner with the
, in a fancy restaurant, and everyone was happy, and I am about to leave for my place… Lancasters
Tomorrow I start riding in
. I've already had a dressage lesson, only I don't know French, but I will learn… France
My goal for the next two or three months is to get to be in very good shape in riding, jumping and competitions.
After I establish that, I am sure I will know if I feel really good about it and want to continue, or maybe I'll have had enough and I'll want to go back home.
There are so many horses here…and so many people… I hope I will like it here.
I hope to become a riding monster, to be in such great shape, and to become better and better, with strong abilities and confidence and a good technique, so that I will be able to jump through good courses, and also feel the taste of winning, from time to time….
Starting tomorrow I'm going to practice seriously. I want to push myself, but in a tempo that I can handle. Every week I hope to ride one more horse, to be responsible for three to five horses, but not from day one. At first, I want to ride my horse and another horse, and then slowly, raise the number of horses so I will have time for my body to become stronger and healthier, and to be able to build myself in a fair way. Also, I want to get into shape: start walking every day and also do stomach exercise to help my back muscles become strong and stable…also to do stretches.
Sophie came to take me…I am really attracted to her, I had a dream that I am kissing her, I wish to do that in real life too…but I am afraid of rejection. I spent the last two days with her, and it was so much fun, and I spoke with her a little about the dream I had, and about girls and boys…and physical attraction. We even drank together a whole bottle of wine yesterday…
No no…nothing happened…