יום חמישי, 6 בינואר 2011

Thinking about relocating…or changing in-house…

Thinking about relocating…or changing in-house…

I'm really sad now.
I'm going to have a talk with Vibe, since I feel like I want more, but I cannot get it in these conditions, and I want to see if the conditions could be changed or not. I'm open to any answer, though I know that I am already with one leg outside, that's at least how it feels.
It's Saturday here, and business continues as always, that means that they actually work on Saturdays, it feels strange to me. In Israel Saturday is a day off.
I feel like I'm grieving for something that is going to happen, like when someone dies.
When I planned my training in Europe, I already knew that I'll most likely transfer from one stable to the other until I find myself in the right place. And now, I'm before my first relocation, and I feel so sad deep down in my heart, since these people are so nice. But this place has cost me a lot of money, and I think I can get more for the same amount if I spread it differently. More than that, I feel that I want to be in France, and I feel that I want another horse to train, better be a good one, and I cannot do it here! (I keep saying that over and over again don't I…)?

I have to think clearly and be very realistic about what I can and what I cannot effort!
Because I don't want to do something that will end up with me having no dream and no money…
If I spend money I want to spend it so I can build some income from it- not only spend it and say BYE…

I went on riding my horse, I didn't talk with the trainer about when or if I'll have help or not. In fact, he had to give another lesson, so I was positive that I'll be riding alone and feel myself a little…but there he was, and I started riding and he started helping. Well, I am sure that he really wanted to help, only I don't always like to be watched and told all the time what to do and how…yes, I guess that's the difference between an 18 years old person and a 32 year old one.
So, I started to become nervous, and he just kept on riding me from the side. I wanted to shout at him "are you blind or something?", but I kept on trying not to show that I'm upset. I tried not to explode, and I took it out on the horse. He didn't see it or maybe he just ignored it…and that made me even more upset.
Seeing as there where more people training in the arena apart from myself, I didn't get mad at him in front of them, but it was too much for me- you see I'm nervous and they didn't pay attention to it…well, the last time that worked because I was upset while on a horse, but this time, I was upset because I was being instructed when I was sure that I was going to be alone for a while…
When the people left the place, I asked: "Vibe?"
He said "what?"
So I said: "Didn't you notice that I couldn't focus today?" And he said: "Can't you just keep on riding?"
I answered: "Definitely no."
Then I continued on myself. It's at that moment that I understood that I couldn't train with him anymore, I didn't think he could understand me, and therefore, I didn't think that he could really help me.
So, the day after I asked Caroline, with tears in my eyes, if it's at all possible that she'll train me this week…
I felt so uncomfortable asking that, because I didn't want to hurt Vibe, who was so kind and generous with me, but I felt that he really couldn't help me with my riding.
She immediately answered: "No problem! We'll start from tomorrow…"
And I was so relieved; it felt like a stone weight was lifted from my heart.
I think that it's very important, at least for me that the trainer show me what to do while riding a horse, from time to time. That's the only way, I think, that a trainer can actually help the horse and rider combination.
And that's the main reason why I asked Caroline to be my trainer…

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