Having hope once again

Having hope once again

Yes, I have started riding with a little more pressure on my horse, and suddenly I feel in control again, and I feel that my horse is listening to me a whole lot more.

I jumped her today, for the first time after the competition, and I had a much stronger canter and a lot more impulsion, I could do what ever I wanted. She suddenly listened much more as well attentively, jumped much more willingly, and didn't do anything stupid.

I noticed that these last three days while I was riding alone, that I had become so much better! Suddenly I rode more, I demanded more, I got more, suddenly the horse is much softer, and much more balanced, and anything I want I can suddenly do. It's like a whole new energy that bursts out of me that makes my riding a much higher level.

I realize that up till now I was more like a passenger on my horse, that I was carried to the fences, and she had to decide alone what to do. Yes, I did help her with the distances, but not with the energy. And now, I was in control of the energy as well, and suddenly, I felt that I'm earning the jump, and that I really tell her everything, and it's so amazing, because she listens so well to what ever I say.

Today I told her- hey, you do it my way, but you have to do it, and she immediately said OK! And we where like a great team once again, only this time my hands were on the wheel and not hers…and that felt so much better…!

It's not easy for me to demand because I feel that I'm not a nice person when I do that, as if the fact that I demand means that I don't really love her, because I don't ask her opinion…but, actually, it's better this way, it's better also for her to feel that she has to follow. And actually, in nature, horses don't have symmetric relationship- one is always the leader, and one is the follower…and this is why horses are so good at training your control skills, because if you're not in control you can be sure that someone else will be.

The goal I have now is to be the one in control, but not do it in a brutal way.

When I am nice to my horse and calm, I'm usually too soft, and I forget to demand…and when I'm strong, I can be too demanding, and forget to feel.

I want to feel the middle, I want to demand, but be able to be soft when possible.

I think I am on the right track to making it happen. I feel so much better after this last jumping session today. Especially because it was me, not a trainer who helped me- I discovered myself completely alone, and I know that I'm the best person who can help me…

How did it all start?

How did it all start?

When I was 12 I started riding, and suddenly, there was something in the world that I was good at.

I became the best rider in the stable, and started competing on school horses.

Then started renting a horse so it'll be like my own, but, one day, the owner just informed me that from tomorrow things were going to change…

I was so upset, I left the stable and I knew it. It's either my parents buy me a horse, or I stop riding.

So, I tried to make them understand, and they, of course, didn't want to hear about it. Yes, try explaining to a businessman why it's good to buy a horse, when all the risks are on him and you'll probably lose money every month…

But, one day I just wrote a letter, I explained to my father that I am ready to kill myself if they won't buy me a horse, and that I  feel bad and neglected, and that he is all the time away for business, and a horse will be the only thing that will make me happy.

I am still surprised, but 10 days later we were in France, looking for my first horse…

And there he was…!

HOUSTY

a slim horse, with terrifying look in his face, scares all over his body, dark brown with a white stripe on his face, not too tall, and  he couldn't stand quietly…HOUSTY…that was the name on the door, and a lot of plastic medals hanging under the name.

I can't explain it, but I knew that he was my horse!

I went inside the stable, and suddenly saw a chicken. He had a chicken friend, and every day, he had extra egg to eat as well…he was a horse that you might ask yourself: "what is that? A donkey?"

But, that was my horse.

I went inside his stable, tied him up, and put the saddle on strengthened the girth and…the horse was on the floor with hysteric movements…trying to get loose…

Apparently, he was not to be tied, not to be pressed, not to be anything…just like me…

So, they continued to put on the rest of the tack, as he was used to, and it was time to go on…but this horse couldn't stand still…he has to walk when you get on…so I tried, and couldn't, then I tried again, then they just gave me a leg up- that's a way to put a rider on the horse, kind of like a frog jumping…

I was on him, he didn't feel big, and I could control him immediately. Riding him was just natural for me; I didn't need any help from anyone as for how and what to do.

Then we jumped few fences, and it was so easy…I remember he refused once on the cross (a really small fence we normally used for warm up), then I gave him a whip, and he just started jumping everything…no matter how good or bad I rode, he just did everything for me without hesitating.

I remember the owners looking at each other with great wonder; they didn't believe this horse could click so well with anyone. They didn't believe how this horse suddenly became the safest nicest horse you can imagine…

Apparently, he was not an easy horse to ride, apparently, a few days before we tried him, a professional rider tried him, and the horse just refuse to move for him…and I could do everything with him…

So, after we tried 3 more horses, I was sure that this is my horse, and on the 11.11.89, HOUSTY was mine!!!

On the 12.12.89 he finally landed in Israel, and I started riding him.

There were lots of misunderstandings with him at first, and it took me a while to understand what is comfortable for him and what isn't. (It wasn't so hard since almost everything was not…), but the riding was always so easy, and the jumping was always amazing.

I could come with my eyes closed; no reins and no stirrups to any fence, that's how secure I felt with him.

And he always wanted to do the job, he had the biggest heart you could ever wish for, and he was always cleared the fence, he never wanted to touch any fence.

So, naturally we were almost always in the prices…week after week, competition after competition, Orly and Housty were becoming a known combination in the Israeli horse society. Every competition, more and more people were running to see our round in the jumping, and more and more people were coming to see our jump off (that's when you have to jump fences as fast as possible…).

And of course, people also started to get jealous, and started saying: "yes, it's a one in a million horse, but you are a shitty rider. Yes you win now, but when the competitions become harder it will stop." Etc'

I didn't care about these people, but slowly, there sayings did get inside my heart, and did find a way to my soul…and that's why I bought Sara at the age of 18…

Today, when I look backwards, I agree, Housty was a one–in-a‑million horse, but also, I was a one in a million rider for him, and together, we were unbeatable.

Today, as a trainer, I laugh at this story, because he was a horse that you would never buy: A horse with behavioral issues, with back problems, heart problems, leg problems, shoeing problems, clipping problems and what not?

He wasn't good looking, he was already 11.5 when we bought him…and he was a weaving horse- that's a compulsory behavior that looks like the horse is praying all day long…

But, although he was a horse that you'd never buy, I cannot stop thinking about the good combination we were, and that is the most important thing of all. You can have a good horse that can jump all the way to the moon and back but if he won't do it with you it won't help. You could have a horse that will refuse to jump with everyone else and look really upset, but for you…for you he'll readily jump to the moon, even if he can't really do it.

And today I think that that is the most important thing when you look for a horse. You want to find this one in a million relationship, which has nothing to do with the quality of the horse, with his looks, with his behavior and with his parents…

And now, please excuse me; I am going to the chiropractor…

Visiting Sophie in France…

Visiting Sophie in France…

I was so exited, waking up on Saturday, and starting to phone car companies.

The one I knew nearby turned out to be closed!!! Then I phoned the car rental in Eindhoven, and that one was open until 12:00.

It was already 9:30, how could I get there?

I immediately went for a quick shower, and there was a song with high tempo, playing on the radio, and that helped me quicken myself. After that I threw the cat in the room, then some food, and then some water. After that I went looking for Wendy to take care for the horse until I'll be back. Then there were the phone, the clothes, the perfume, the numbers, and the computer. Take the computer or not? Well, no I won't take it.  What else should I take? And everything has to be done very quickly.

Then I went down and tried to figure out how I'm going to get to this car rental as soon as possible…hmmmmmm. It's not so easy, no busses, and the train isn't close, and there isn't much time…OK, I'll take TAXI!!!

But which taxi?

Wendy, the amazing woman, started to phone and asked for a taxi, and finally, we found a taxi, which also arrived on time, and I was on my way!!!

So, at 11:15, I was already in my rental car, with this navigator as my new road companion…

And I just sat there, smiling to myself, I started to relax…

I got the exact address from Sophie, and after 6 hours of driving, I finally got there…

Who is Sophie?

Sophie is a French woman I met in Deurne, when we did the international trainer course. We immediately clicked and we had two wonderful weeks, and we spent all the time we could together, very naturally.

She was always a person that I felt comfortable with, from the very start, and her frame of mind was always very easy for me to understand, she was also easy to communicate with.

Yes, and also I found her attractive…

We met in France, and she took me to her new boyfriends', and we met her parents, and her new boyfriend, and we had a very calm evening together.

We just clicked again, as if we never stopped being in touch.

So I found myself in this position where I'm attracted to her, but I'm afraid to do anything that'll ruin our relationship, because I don't want to loose her as a friend, and here she is, with a new man in her life, who's all over her, and I must admit that I’m just a little bit jealous…

I felt really strange, but if I'm going to really be honest with myself, I felt that I wanted her as more than a friend, but I'm not ready to take that chance yet.

We were sleeping at this new boyfriend's house, and went to her stable the next morning.

Her stable is located between the mountains, in a place that even the navigator couldn't find. It's a place to run to when you want to escape the world. It's a place for bears, like Sophie, like me.

But, the place isn't really suitable for my purposes at the moment, as a competitive rider. It's more suited to relax.

I told her that we have to look for jumping stables, because if I'm going to stay at her place, I'd definitely find myself within a week walking between trees and doing nothing else, and right now I want a competitive environment, and to develop my own skills.

She made some phone calls, and set two appointments for me tomorrow morning.

We once again we went to this man's house. This time, he ignored me completely, and I felt that he was afraid that she'll leave him. Apart from that I also felt like he wished I wasn't there, he didn't even say hello to me…

And well, I have to say that I wanted him to disappear as well, deep inside, I wanted her for myself…good, everyone on Sophie…

There I was, eating with them, and Sophie was so nice, trying to help me understand everything they said, and really keeping me in the picture, but, there were three people, and no one really wanted to be in this threesome, except maybe Sophie, because this way she could be protected from being really intimate with this guy.

After a few hours, we finally went from there, Sophie really apologized this weekend's bad organization, but I said, that I hoped she felt natural as she could, because I didn't want to impose as a guest, I wanted to be just a friend that came around…more and more.

I'll finish the story by telling that I've found a stable, in Strasbourg, it's on the border between France and Germany, and I will be in the French side…

And I'll be speaking French in no time, since these people don't really speak anything else; except germen…which doesn't help me at the moment…

Dear readers, we are going on a journey to France around the 7.9.07, Sophie will probably come to the Netherlands, to pick me up and take me home…

I feel so very tired now, I feel that there's something that I want to escape from…maybe it's from riding my horse? Maybe I just feel depressed here and want to do nothing? Maybe it's all the arrangements again, that I have to do before I go to France?

And maybe it's the things I want and cannot get…like a car, more horses, international shows, Sophie…?

And maybe I am just feeling the death of the current situation and the birth of the new one!!!

I forgot to tell you about my back…

I was riding an Andalusian horse, at Sophie's place, and it was so comfortable for my back, I really enjoyed riding him, I even worked with him a little about his own problems, and it was really felt very good for me to finally ride without any eyes on me that all the time think about how amateur I am…

Then, I went on Sophie's bicycle…that's the nickname of Cambroon, her wonderful selle France horse. He's 17 years old, and hardly wants to move, especially after yesterday when he was moving so well, so I did some light sitting, that's when the rider is half standing, in order to reduce the pressure on the horse's back. I felt so soft and relax, I really enjoyed myself, and then it happened. Click, and then I felt pain in my back again. It's like something was moving, a small part that suddenly press my bones and nerves and muscles.

I got so upset. Why? Why do you do it to me? God why? Is this the wrong dream for me? Is riding not what I'm supposed to do?

If not, what will I do now? What about this story? Will I stop it at once? Should I stop this road I'm on at once? Am I on the wrong track here?

I suddenly felt so lost and confused. I didn't know what to do. Is it that now I want something that's too big for me?

Do I really want it?

Maybe not?

I'm so afraid of not succeeding, that I all the time find an excuse not to even try and improve, and to confront my fears…I most of the time, here in the NEVER land, find myself avoiding every competition, and avoiding training hard, and for everything I find an excuse of why it's wrong…and in the end? In the end I'm in this comfort zone, that is actually like death for me…no movement whatsoever, and of course, a shelter from thinking that I cannot do it, because this way, I don't really try…

Yes, I want to try. I am afraid of realizing and from discovering my own limits…very afraid of that. When you don't do- you always can say you could have if you just wanted…but what do you do when you do and don't succeed? Then what do you feel?

Feel that you're not good enough!

Feel low self confidence,

Low self esteem,

Self hatreds…

Loser,

No one,

Walking zero…

See, it's not something nice to feel, is it?

So what's better to sit and do nothing and not take the chance or take the chance? This way you don't feel bad, but not feel good as well…

Thinking and doing…

Thinking and doing…

Well, I woke up, but I feel so down…I know this feeling. This is what I feel just before I make a good change in my life. First I go down, I have no energies, and I'm sad for a few days, but then I really gather in my energies, and I can turn around anything I want…it's as if this going down is my way of filling up my battery. I first reach bottom where it's so dark sometimes, but now it's just a place where I feel my sadness, so, now that I'm OK with feeling sad, it's not so black anymore…but it is a little bit unpleasant…

The funny thing is that, as if on orders, Caroline and Vibe went away from the stables for a weekend …so, now that I want to find another place, this is the perfect timing to do so! It is amazing, it's like I couldn't ask for more, just when I need to be alone, and travel without anyone asking questions…well, god, thank you once again!

I need a plan, so the time won't go to waste…

I'll eat lunch, which is very important for my energies, then I'll set up appointments for this weekend, and then, I'll rent a car and travel to those places!!!

I want to see at least 4-5 more places, and then I'll decide.

Also, I want to see Dudi, I know he'll be good company for me right now. He's in France at the moment.

I feel like a trip to France is coming up soon…

I spoke with Sophie, she'll was happy and excited to see me again! So tomorrow morning I'll rent a car and go to France… (How the hell am I going to do that?) But I will…

Yep, it's just like going to the fence, you have no idea how the stride will be, but you know you will do everything you can to make it the best it can be so that the horse will jump the fence…

Also, I visited the dentist's place, he has a wonderful stable in Mejiel, not far from Vibe and Caroline, and it's very homey and very friendly.

The thing is that they have no room for me, and to rent a whole house is too expensive at the moment, so I'm not sure if that can be done. Also, I really liked the atmosphere, and the people, and I felt true caring for each other, which I haven't felt for already a month and a half. Yes, until now I've felt distanced from the people I have met most of the time. Except this dentist, which I liked the minute I saw him, and that was during the first week I came to the Netherlands.

This is exactly the place that Uri used to keep his horses before he left for another stable, and they're used to Israelis, and most importantly, they seem to like them as well.

If I stay in the Netherlands, I'll definitely find a way to transfer their place…

But, for the moment, I have to find a way to get to the car rental tomorrow…

Wish me luck…

My first competition in Belgium

My first competition in Belgium

Well, yesterday we went to a practice show in Belgium, and I was going to a small course, a height that Igrene and I were supposed to be able do while sleepwalking.

I don't know why, but already during the warm up, I felt that she didn’t want to jump today.

I pushed her, and she didn't react, I gave her a whip, and then Vibe said that she was going to do well. I said, she doesn't want to go…"I don't see that…" he repeated.

I doubted my own feelings (once again…never doubt your own feelings!!!).

We went into the ring, already on the second fence she bumped it to the ground, like she didn't really want to make the effort, and we continued on.

I felt that I couldn't find the right pace and that at every fence I lost my confidence about the stride…and then, we came to the triple combination. I saw the perfect stride, but she didn't want to go, so I forced her, and she stopped in the middle of the combination.

I wasn't prepared for this refusal, and I immediately got off.

I hit her twice immediately, so she'll know that stopping equals pain…

Then we went on to another round, and I lost my stirrup, and gave her terrible distances, I was amazed- she didn't refuse this time, except that this time, I deserved one or two stops…!!!

We came to the combination, and I gave her no choice this time, and she didn't hesitate. She knew she HAD to do the job this time.

So, I finished riding, took care of my pony (well, she was more a pony in her behavior than a horse today…)…

But inside I knew that something was wrong, terribly wrong.

If I'll ride like this, and loose my confidence, and also my horse suddenly doesn’t want to move for me…something is wrong. I, and my horse, have to change the environment, because something here obviously isn't working…

On the way back, we discussed the courses I made…I again said- she wasn't moving during the warm-up…and then Vibe said: "Ooh, so why didn't you fix it?"

I was amazed at his simplicity in saying that. Firstly he eliminated my feeling during the warm-up, and then asked me why I don't do what I feel.

I don't want to be here anymore, I feel like this place isn't suitable for us.

I lose my confidence, and most importantly, I'm going to loose my horse's willingness, and that's a risk I am not about to take.

I feel as if no one understands me here, and more importantly, no one WANTS to understand me here. I don't feel anybody really cares, and I can't stand to be in a place where I don't feel like anybody cares.

I'm paying, and they give for what I pay, and that's ok, but I also want to feel that they really care for me, for my mind, for my feelings. Every time I say what I feel, they don't really react; they just keep on going with their own schedule…

I called Nancy, my former trainer in Israel, and told her everything I've been going through.

And she gave me a big hug, told me how she felt the exactly the same way when she was in Holland 20 years ago. And then, I felt better, as if someone in this world really sees me and really understand me…

Another thing that happened that morning was that I had a feeling that Igrene was going to stop today. And she never stopped with me, ever…

Another thing was that Sona. The stager came to help Caroline. I felt that there were really strong bad energies from those two. I told myself, if something bad is going to happen today, I felt like she really had this evil eye upon her. I don't know if you believe in the evil eye, but, sometimes I do believe in it…I do believe that there are people that, consciously or not, want you to fail. And it's these energies can come and make a difference.

I remember seeing Karim, an international rider from Egypt. I saw him during the Sunshine tour, and he was doing unbelievably well.

Than, suddenly, he fell from his horse, and nothing well anymore.

And I could see, in his facial expression that he truly felt that someone has put the evil eye on him…and I have to say that from the side, it really looked like that.

But I'm sure that we could develop a big conversation about it if it's only in that persons' head;  maybe he invited it upon himself; maybe he thought he doesn't deserve to be well…everything is possible, it's also possible that I've decided that Sona being around means bad luck for me…

But, I truly feel that she's bad luck, and not only for me…

Anyway,

Its night now and I have made a very important decision today.

I am leaving this stable, and I am looking for another one!

I have unlimited options. Why stay here? If I stay here, my confidence will definitely become so low, and I might end up so depressed. Then I'll not only be an amateur, I'll be a very bad amateur…

I've decided to change my environment. I always say that I create my own future, so in order not to waste too much time wandering around, I'll try to be clear about what environment I think will help me feel good, and progress…

A small stable with jumping riders;

An opportunity to ride more horses;

Transportation to competitions (every other week);

Lessons once or twice a week would be enough;

A place to travel to outside, for clearing both my mind and my mare's;

Internet, so I could keep on working on my website.

It should be a place where I'll feel independent (maybe I should have a car? A trailer? Or maybe I could rent Wendi's trailer…?)

I wanted to feel that what I say and what I want, and that I'd practice most of the time alone, and if I train, I choose the trainer, when and where…I don't want someone else to decide my schedule for me.

The good thing I have discovered is Wendy!!!

As soon as I told her that I'm not sure anymore, and she sensed that I really need her help, she took me and showed me around!

I think I have a friend in the Netherlands! And that is so important!!!

So, she took me to her boyfriend's place, and then we went to drink something, and I already felt relived…yes, it's very hard being here all alone, without friends, without my trainer, without my students…without any supporters…

I wish Tamar, my student was here,

I wish I had a car and a trailer, and two horses to compete with every week… (That means four horses, and compete every other week with each horse…)

I wish I had help during competitions…

I think I'll already feel good in two weeks when I move from this place to another…no, wait, I actually feel better already,  because I started to change my destiny…

I will speak and make appointments:

Sophie- France (now will be a good time to meet!)

Carlos- Belgium (now is a good time to meet!)

Gabriel- Holland (not now, maybe for training)

Elad- Germany (save for last opportunity)

Gabi- Germany (maybe not for now, maybe in the future, but I want to meat her too)

Michel- France (now is a good time to meet!)

Phil- Holland (been there, need to speak with her on the phone…place on the lorry?)

The dentist- Holland (now is a good time for that!)

Every dream has a realistic side…and this is the realistic side of my dream:

I have to raise 100,000 Euros for the first year, so I can get better…

Now, if I look at the smallest thing I need –

Another horse for practice, which would cost around 50,000 Euros.

Upkeep per month: 500-1000 Euros per horse. Going to competitions with the truck of the place I am at, or rent a car and a trailer…

Then I'll need to sell this horse and buy another one, train him and sell again. That way I could keep on going, and also train more…

Yes! I could do this!!!

Igrene...

Igrene…

I wanted to share with you a little bit more information about my mare…

Let's go back a little in time now. I was standing in the Ramat Gan stable, during a competition. I had been working there for about 6 months or so.

I was competing on my horse, Yale, and after I finished, the biggest course of that competition, the open class competition.

Suddenly, one of the trainers was telling her students:  "look- that is a very good horse"…and then I looked up, and there she was…

She had her head up, looking at the fences, jumping over them, and continuing on, with aggression, with a lot of power. She was relatively small to all the other horses, but you could see she was special.

Then I asked about her and people told me she's from France. Then I knew it. I even said it out loud. "This horse will be mine some day!"

But, she wasn't for sale, and the girl who was riding her was winning with her all the time. Because of this they would have wanted a lot of money if they'd ever consider selling her…

I kept on following this amazing mare that gave everything she could, always, in order to win the class she was in…every time I told myself, be patient, wait for the right moment.

I had no money to buy her with, and definitely not enough money to keep her, but I knew that I'll buy her someday. I used my savings and just bought her.

Time went on, and this girl was starting to make distance mistakes, and her horse started hesitating and also started to stop jumping. The team started to fall apart.

One competition they could win and on the other one be eliminated.

I started smelling my chance.

People around me wanted her as well. I never told anyone that I'm after her, because I didn't want anyone to buy her before I did.

From time to time I went to the stable were she was kept. I pet her, talked to her, and sniffed around to see if they wanted to sell…

One time, I just felt it in my stomach that I had to be there. That girl stood next to her, and I decided to introduce myself. Yes, I'm Orly, I am the one that’s' been chasing your tail for a few months already. How are you? Do you want to sell her? And suddenly the answer was YES. She told me she was going abroad, and that the horse is for sale!

I immediately said for how much…and I tried her the following week.

It was amazing. I sat on her and she was so easy with me, I jumped a small course of fences with her, and it was so natural to do that with her.

Then I knew that I had to buy her!

Suddenly, when I called the people to come and sign the agreement, the owner said: "Oh, sorry but now that you’ve tried her, there are other buyers that want to try her as well, and we prefer them because they'll keep her in the same stable"

My heart was broken!

How could it be? After waiting so long, someone else was going to have her?

Could it be that we are not meant to be?

So I had to wait again…and this girl at the end decided to buy another horse.

When I heard that, and believe me, I kept my eyes and ears really wide open. I immediately called the owner and said, OK, now can I buy her?

So, to make a long story short, as you all know, I did.

I had no idea how I pulled it off, but I did!

I managed to get the money, and I managed to keep her…

It's funny, but in a way it was very hard for me to really love her. She was always too good to be true. I couldn't believe she was finally mine…

During the first few months I did everything "right", I rode her, I took care for her, everything…but one day, when I came to the stable, she just stood in the corner and didn't approach me.

Then I understood. I didn't show her my feelings, and I ignored her feelings as well…

From that day onwards I started to change. I started to feel her more, to try to love her and to open my heart to her. It was much easier for me to open my heart to Yel, the other horse I had, because he was so problematic, and he had suffered for so long…and he needed my love so he could trust people again. But she, she was perfect, her self esteem was in the sky, she was never abused, she was always loved…she didn't really need me, or anyone else…

Also, I was afraid that if I did get in touch with her, I couldn't take it if something bad would happen to her. Just like when Housty, my first horse died, I took it very hard. I can still feel the pain…when someone who you were so deeply connected to, when your best partner suddenly gone…

I knew that I could develop a special relationship with Igrene. I knew that we could become an unbeatable team. I just knew it, deep in the bottom of my heart. And that's exactly why I was so afraid to love her so much…

But, as time went by, I started to dare more and more.

I even remember this one time, we went outside for a long walk, and it was so hot, that the dog that was with us almost fainted. So, I carried the dog on Igrene. Suddenly, the angry and nervous horse became so calm, she knew that her help was needed; she knew that she has to be as stable and reliable as she can…and she was. And I kept on falling deeply in love with her ever since that day.

I also remember another day, that I was riding her, and I got really upset with myself…and I took it on her…and she…instead of fighting back or freaking out (like Yale did), she just carried me onwards, and she became so quiet, it was like she was whispering to me: "It's OK, take it out, I know you are not really sane right now, I will wait for you until you come back, I'm here, I am not holding this against you, I am not upset because of your madness…"

And I remember feeling so secure…I felt that I had finally found a partner that I can also get angry with, and take my anger out upon, and it's OK. She could take it; she'll continue to be there for me even if I am not there for myself at the moment.

I don't know if I managed to get my feeling through here, but I'm writing and crying as I write these lines.

Could you believe that an animal could give you so much?

Could you ever imagine how good you can feel about yourself once you have the right partner to help you…?

So, Igrene is my "significant other"…as they would say in psychology…

So, Igrene is an angel that I'm very grateful to have as a partner.

Apart from all that, I didn't tell you how special she can be…

For example, this one time, I had to decide whether to do some free jumping with the horses in my stable; that means the horse is jumping without a rider.

So, one by one, the horses went into the arena, we were building this rout they had to follow and in that rout were the jumping fences as well.

All the horses were obeying our orders…and then it was Igrene's turn.

Igrene stepped inside the arena, opened her eyes widely, so you could see she didn't really like what was about to happen, then she looked at the fence, looked at me, and then she ran for a few strides, turned backwards, and jump outside the arena.

Then she looked at me one more time, and went to her stable to eat…

Yes, she was telling me: you think you’re smart…you want me to jump…no problem…I will…but I will do it my way!!!

Another story:  I was riding her once when suddenly; the rein got caught around her teeth. She started trying to release herself, and this is a very dangerous situation in which another horse would, 99% of the time, start to going into a serious panic. But not her, the minute she saw I was trying to help her, she stood still and waited patiently until I told her that I was done. Then I knew it, I knew that I had a smart healthy horse of my very own. She trusts me and that means a lot to me.

One more thing…Igrene doesn't let people longe her (longe is training a horse in a circle). At first I said, no way, if she's mine, she has to give in and let me longe her!!! So I put her in the longe, and she was OK, so I thought: "Oh, good, she accepted it." But then, all of a sudden, she shouted and before I knew it, she was longing me…

So I put aside the reins (leather straps that can help control the horse), and longed her again. She shouted again, and then, the minute she pulled me, I pulled her back. She went on two legs, but then the side rains were so tied, she lost balance and fell backwards on her head.

She sat there in the sand, looking at me with sad eyes. "What did you do that for?" She asked…

I became so upset with myself. Yeah, great, she'll longe; does that make my ego feel better? Because she could have also broken her head during that accident, or hurt her back or whatever. "Are you happy now?" I shouted at myself.

That day I decided that no matter what, I'll never ever longe her again. I decided that I didn't want to take the chance that something bad would happen to her due to that.

Yes, with horses you learn something new every day. That day I learned that it's better if I swallow my pride from time to time…I don't always have to win…

Party in the horse society…

Party in the horse society…

My back hurts so much, that when Vibe asked me if I wanted to join them in going to a party in Rohho, I was hesitating…

On the one hand- my back hurts and I can hardly move…

On the other hand, I cannot keep on putting myself apart from the world; I better start showing myself and making contacts with people from all over Europe…

15 minutes before the deadline, I started to get ready for the party…

I took pain killers for my back.

I also put on some nice clothes, so I felt really good and pretty.

But…then I put on the new hair product I had bought, thinking that it's a regular cream…but I was terribly wrong…

It was a sticky material for short hair…..dammmmn….so I started straggling with it and my long hair…and came out with a reasonable enough hair style to leave the room.

We also picked up Wendy and Pitter (not the Wendy from the stable), and went to the party.

After 20 minutes we were already there.

The place had just been renovated. It was an amazingly nice place, indoors, a grassy outdoor area, all the fences for the next day's show was already in place, everything was shining…I started regretting that I wasn't going to compete…

At first we stood outside, it was wonderful weather and we waited for other guests to arrive. After having a chit-chat around, we went inside, and the person who'd built the place made a small speech, and then the music started.

It was funny, no one danced, and every one started drinking…

I took the role of a side viewer, and I stood there with Caroline, Wendy and Pitter.

The music went on, and I felt like dancing. I know that I'm a great dancer, and I knew that if I'd dance everyone would be looking at me, but I didn't feel like drawing attention there. I wanted people to know me first, and then I'll have felt free to show myself also on the dance floor.

So, I was dancing a little bit from afar, and I saw Caroline was moving as well, but also off to the side.

If it would have been a place where no one knew anyone, I would have taken her to the floor and danced with her. If it would been another world, maybe I would also flirted with her on that same dance floor…but…she's married, and well, I don't need to mess up a very settled environment do I…?

So, we kept on being on either side of the dance floor, and that was the safest place for everyone at that party.

I start feeling more open with Caroline, and also, at lunch time, people were talking about Brad Pitt…and I said that the most interesting thing about him is Angelina Jolie…so; I kind of came out of the closet in front of these people as well…

So, maybe this is the time to say it- I am attracted to women…as well as men…

That's kind of convenient, like friend of mine; she says that it doubles my chances…

Its funny, but it's true.

I don't have a love in my life at the moment, and that actually helped me decide on this move and leave Israel.

My back!!! It's getting better!!!

Sona came back from her unexpected vacation.

As she came back, on the very same day, I went to sleep at four o'clock and a half…I was so focused on my website that time just flew by…

Anyway, as I said, I went to sleep, and then discovered that Farook is missing….

I immediately started walking all over the stable, looking for him, but it was dark, and I could not see him…I kept on whispering, Farook…Farook…but he didn't answer.

At five o'clock I decide to go to sleep, and I left my door open, just incase he suddenly found his way home…

When I woke up in the morning, he was already with me, so I was so relieved…but still, it amazed me, every time Sona came, something bad happened!!!

It was a whole lot of luck that my cat came back, he could have disappeared that very same day, and be lost in cold uncaring Holland…