Training training training…

Training training training…

Well, today I gave myself an easy day, I started working on my visa for France, as an equestrian student, it felt relief to declare myself as such.

Last lesson with Delaida, Estelle told me that I have a better eye with that horse than with Igrene and today, in the lesson with Igrene, suddenly I didn't see the distance and suddenly I had some bad distance mistakes! Well, it's not that I have never had mistakes with her, just that today suddenly I was much focused on that. And yes, it isn't always easy for me to gauge a distance, but when I think about it, I do see it most of the time. And when the fences stood on 120 today, I was suddenly so focused, that it was the best jumping of the whole lesson. Because I felt that is not the time to be spoiled, that it's time to focus because it's could be dangerous if I do not, and that I have to be there for my horse!

On Friday I will have Liela, Lucy's horse, and I will jump with her, so for sure I will have more opportunities to jump until the competition. I am so sure that this is the correct way to do it:  to get good exercise, to ride a lot, and to compete a lot.

I will see with Estelle about the next competition, since we are already late for the 30 of September, so maybe we will go to another competition before she goes to Egypt with Alex, her boyfriend.

Some thought about Sillas…

Did I tell you there is a 4 year old that I like here?

Well, yesterday the riding started not so nicely:  he stood on two legs, but that was because the saddle was placed too far forward on his back.

Also, I am afraid of the fact that he reminds me Andalu, the last horse I bought that was from France…

But, I really liked his balance, and his stride, and his long neck, and his character; he is so nice, and so willing to learn and do the job, and he is good in his eyes.

But, 20,000 Euro, the price Estelle wants, is too much for him, I think. On the one hand, yes, maybe he will be a grand prix horse, but odds are that even if he can be, I will still need to teach him, for 4 years at least, and also compete, and pay for pension and lessons and competitions and, well, so when he will be worth more, he would probably also cost me as much as he worth till that day…

To buy a gelding horse is a bit disappointing, since if he cannot be good in the sport, I cannot really enjoy him any more.

But, when I think of it, I am not planning on opening tomorrow a new stable --Haras de la Nee 2-- therefore, I should not think so deeply on that. I have Igrene --knock on wood-- I also hope to have a foul from her one day. And Sillas? Well, Estelle told me he is her favorite, and I can understand why, so, do I want again two horses?

I think I do, since this is the perfect time for two horses of my own! I have so much time for them, and that can be really good for me. Three horses? I can deal with three, but I think that would be too much. Two is great, and I will train with other horses as well, so that will be more than enough.

And when I go back to Israel? Then I will decide if I want to bring both of them, or maybe sell one of them. I don't want to sell Igrene: she is all the time proving to me how good she is, she also started calling me from the field, she started showing me how she does care for me. Even today, when I was so angry, and I felt like I could have  killed someone, I even thought maybe it would be better if I didn't ride at all today…but, the moment I came to her, she made me smile, I immediately became so happy, that I knew, good or bad riding, I will ride today!

My new home 2…

My new home 2…

It is very strange to write when things are actually OK, and I feel good, and people understand me, and I'm riding and progressing more and more, and the instructor's helping build my confidence, and I feel I belong, and I love the horses here, and I agree with the way they work with them, and I'm getting another horse from the instructor to compete with. And when I say something, people listen…funny, they don't even understand English…

So, I have been in this stable for three days already. This stable is in Strasbourg, just on the border of Germany and France. People speak here German and French, and I guess I will learn them both in the end…

I already started working on my French, the thing is that it's easier for me to understand than to talk, but it will come…

I took already two lessons, one in dressage (working with the horse on gymnastic exercises), and one in jumping.

In both of them the instructor already shed light on my real problems in riding, and I am happy, because I feel I can trust her to notice what I have to work on, and also to help me become better and better.

Well, these are some of the things I need to do: sit more straight, Push the horse more from my leg;

After the fence, continue to balance my horse, since there might be another fence after…

Yes, the truth is I couldn't describe it better myself…

I like the way she rides, she puts a lot of weight on the dressage work, but also proceeds in a good tempo towards fences…which was really lacking for me in Holland. 

I have already noticed the horses here, both in the stable, and in the competitions,

I like these types of horses: light, quick, with a lively temperament. Well, of course that's just a description I am using to give a general sense of most of the horses here.

The people in general are much friendlier here, and the horses are much more talented…

It looks like the French people still care truly for the sport, which I cannot say about the people from Holland (I'm not referring to the stable I was at in Holland, since Caroline, the rider, cares a lot for her horses as well as for the sport!). In Holland they care more for the money than for the sport; you can see it in the attitudes towards the horses and towards the people, and also in the dark look in their eyes, without any spark. You can see the competition in people's faces.

Most of the Israeli sports people follow the Holland system of riding and prefer horses from Holland, and that way one person tells another, and everyone, almost, follows this same road, and most people are very close minded and refrain from listening and learning more ways.

I always find myself in the French way…maybe this is why my name is Orly, like the French air port…

I know now, that it is very good for me, since every one is so close, and I actually feel I have found a treasure box, full of good horses and people…full of talented riders, full of charm, which was so lack with others. Well, if there's no one who really wants to share with me, that's OK. I will enjoy all of this by myself, why not?

I can bring much better horses to Israel, people may not understand how I do it, but it is easy: there are so many good horses here; it's actually easy to buy a super good horse here, at least relative to the Israel level. These horses for sure will be winners, above the level of the other horses, just like it was with Housty.

I think I found a really good place for me, where I fit in very naturally, and I hope to keep on feeling like this in the future.

I also think about it in a mystical sort of way…my name is Orly Herbst: that's half German and half French…and this is exactly the location I am in right now, so, I guess the instructions were there all the time; I hope I finally got to understand them correctly…

OK, people are starting to appreciate me here…

And…I think my period is coming; I have less patience, my back's starting to hurt a little bit…

I have a lesson every day, and start to get compliments…private people start asking me to train there horses…!

But…today I had a dressage lesson with Igrene, and at first Estelle was riding her, Igrene was going good…then I came on, and slowly but surly Igrene became longer and longer, I lost her…which end up by me feeling bad about my riding as compare to Estelle, and more to that, Igrene was unhappy, which made me even more upset…!

I am a bit confused about riding…every coach and his own way of explaining…every place and his own style of riding…and I try to fit…but I think that most important is for me to find my peace of mind, and that will happen when I have also time for understanding and practicing alone! I promises to myself to put more practice alone as well…there are enough horses here I can practice with in lessons!

I made some new friend here. Lucy, Barbara, Sam, Alex, Estelle.

Tomorrow I will ride Lucy's horse in a jumping lesson and afternoon in dressage…I am waiting for that, since that horse is just like Housty, my first horse…also Anglo-Arab, also with huge heart!

Lucy is a handicap girl; she was born with one arm shorter. She is competing in Para equestrian competition as well as in normal ones!

Barbara is a German girl, she speaks really good English and she is the "translator".

Sam is a French girl that works here as well, she is really trying to speak English, and she and Lucy, well, especially Lucy, try to teach me and Barbara French…and I am very happy for that!

My French is getting better and surprisingly also my germane…

There is a guy here, named Philip.

He is a dentist. Did you ever hear those dentists are actually sadists…? Well, that is a perfect example for that!

He has four horses, but he only jump with them and compete.

As you see him ride, you will immediately see that this guy is using his horses in quite a nasty way. I now have the permission to do dressage with these horses…well, they are really good horses, the thing is that I will see, if every time after him the horses will be stiff and feel really bad- I will not do it, unless I am paid for doing that!

Yes, on the one hand- people start to give me to ride, and that is good news! But, as for him, I don't like to ride after a man, usually, because man use more power, and then the horse is used to use more power in order to balance that…and I don't like to feel that I also have to use so much power…

I am really not happy after today's lesson, since I felt not in balance, and that I lean on my horse.

After the riding, Igrene was putting her head near my chest, as if she was saying, it's ok, I know you, you also have your days…I forgive you, I love you…I really felt that from her, and I love her so much for being so forgiving…maybe I have to learn also to forgive more…she only stopped with me once, and I already say she have a small heart…but actually she is most of the time so there for me, and to say that is just to ignore all the good feeling she is giving me most of the time!

Well, this changing of location is very good for me!

I am being appreciated here, the trainer like my riding, and also know to give compliments when deserved them. The atmospheric is good, and I am riding every day in a lesson and also on more horses so I am improving and I feel that I am starting to get into shape…but not enough, I want to be better…!

I feel this is a good place to blossom since there are so many horses, and the possibilities are endless. Only for international shows it will be difficult since Estelle, the trainer, will not be able to come and help there, and also, it is expensive since international show you need also to pay for the transportation, the box for the horse and the hotel for you…so instead of 50 euro for competition it can be 1000…a small different… but for now, I am perfectly OK with competing "only" in France…the level here is very high, and so it is a good base for me, at list till the international level, and also then, I can still be here, but will need a sponsor for better horses and for the other costs involved with competition internationally…but for now, there are so many grand prix in France, that I will be very happy to compete in them first…!

The current environment is good for me, and I feel home here.

I feel Estelle is happy to teach me, she invest in me, this sure feels good. The different here is that I feel she is really passionate about the sport and less for the money, there for she is not yet corrupted. I hope that it will stay that way. I hope in the future, when I am back in Israel, to be able to come with my students to France, to this stable, and buy horses from her. I hope that I will develop a good trusting relationship with her.

I have already had my eye open on one young horse here, who jump big fences with pleasure…and I think about buying him. I know that if I take him to international shows, he can maybe prove to be a smart investment…and so far, I believe in him. But, I will keep my eyes open, and see how he does in the future, and also try him few time to see whether I can get along with him or not.

Yesterday I had a jumping lesson with Leila, Lucy's mare.

The reason it was so amazing was a combination of two things-

The first is that I got to realize how much better my riding is today than it was when I had Housty. In the past, I was only doing what Housty wanted, and did not interfere with his decisions. And it did work very well. But, now I am also still able to go with the horse decision, but also to interfere and ask something else, and buy that even help the horse. And that technical ability I didn't have in the past.

The other reason was the fact that I was riding this horse in order to make it better for Lucy! And that felt so good. I really got out of my own skin, and did things that usually I would be spoiled and don't put so much effort to succeed, but since it was for Lucy, I had this responsibility on my shoulders, and I felt I have to explain the horse what to do so it will help Lucy after wards, when she will ride. Also, Estelle ask me to come without reins, and I just thought to myself- I am Lucy now, and I just came in that role, and still was able to help the horse do the exercise like I would want her to do with Lucy. And it really feels my heart doing that! I think I would love to help handicap that compete- I will love help them buy riding there horses so the horses will become more suitable for them after my riding. It is something that really feels my heart, since I really help someone else, and really give from myself. And that feels so good!

There is a progress in my French, but still, I talk like a cave woman…me eat now bread…it is funny, but not so convenient…

Next week is my first competition here, I am waiting for that. I will go to the small course with Igrene and with Chapman. I hope to start and feel confidence also in the competitions, and so to get better and better!

Ooo…I just remembered: I told my father that the people here love the way I ride and give me more horses to ride, so his reaction was, "yes, they'll start using you. And I had to correct him: "no, it's also private individuals with their own horses."

So his reaction is not to hear me and be happy with me, no. only… to point out what is bad…"please, don't feel good, you are stupid. You don't see things accurately. Everyone is using you; you are not as happy as you think; people are not really like you as you think they are." And the hidden message, the one that sometimes he even dares to utter out loud: "you are no good; you don't see reality; you cannot be trusted; you shouldn't trust yourself." Now, I have a question: why?

Why the hell do I have to listen to all this crap?

And I'm starting to understand why I always argue with people about the different ways you can choose in life, about who is right and in what way: that's actually my need to act out the old discussion between me and my parents …

And also, I understand why I've always been so sensitive to the environment and the feedback I get,  if they put me down or not: it's because that's the way I struggle in my own home…to guard myself from my closest environment, so that my own parent will not put me down for being different…

A struggling point: today I have really low motivation. I have 9 horses to take care of, and four of them to ride, I feel tired; I feel I don't want to do it. It's hard, I am not good at it, I feel slow, and I want to get it over with --why? I feel used…might be that my father's words affected my head…

I have started to think maybe to learn to become a psychologist, because I am very good in my observations, and like to help people with issues, and I would love to work in that also in the future. Maybe I could study here in France. Actually, this was my mother's idea: it would also be easier to get a visa that way.

And I am confused: would I be unmotivated if my parents would support the sport and want me to succeed in that? My guess is that I would have tons of motivation, because I would make myself happy, and also them!!!

But, no, they will be happy if I do something "real" in their eyes, like study, and the horses can be just for the fun and the sport. It was never a very worthwhile target in their eyes.

My mother is here…

My mother is here…

I love the feeling that I belong in the company of rich people. It gives me a feeling of confidence. I always raise my self-standards, making sure to choose the best taste, clothes, and the richest sport. As long as I remember myself, I've always wanted to be very rich. Even as a child. I felt that is the key to true freedom, happiness, confidence and high self esteem.

I touched all of these today with my mother, buying clothes of the rich. That was when it crossed my mind that I want to belong to the high society. I really do, and I act like a person who wants to be considered one of them…

I'm offended by my mother's attitude towards me in general, which led me to explode in the Emmers shop, when I felt no credit for my own way of thinking, no slightest belief that I am capable of thinking or establishing anything on my own, no respect for me as an equal, she's always talking from above and commanding, telling me how to do things the "right" way. No advising, no sharing, just commanding and controlling.

At that point, when I couldn't take anymore, I just let it out: I stopped her and asked her to change her attitude, since I began to become really offended, because my abilities are not recognized by her at all. She puts me down in front of everyone, she's not on my side (though I know actually she is on my side, but it doesn't feel this way when she commands).

It was just like she did when I was in school, and the teacher was telling her how bad I am, and she didn't try to see me, she immediately attacked me in front of the teacher, and I was so alone, and so hated by her, and so not loved by myself anymore. I felt alone in this world. No backing from my own blood. Actually she wanted me to be a good pupil, to study well and to succeed, but, I think that first you have to be on my side, you have to see me, understand me, and then talk with me, not control me and command me. I am a person, no matter what age, no matter what I do, I still deserve to be treated with respect as a human being, and not like dirt on the floor that you can allow yourself to step on!

Imagine that you have your own way of working, and you succeed with your achievements (well, most of the time, as it should be), and also your students are doing really well most of the time…and someone just decides that you are not good enough, because you are not exactly in the shape of his box…

And they said it also to this guy who works in the stable that I manage…I am telling you, people can be so rude sometimes, and so untactful…and, well, so I know that I too can be like that sometimes, but I think it is OK to still respect other people's ways, even if not my own.  I say: live and let live!

Time flies, and this week is over. It ended with a nice dinner with the Lancasters, in a fancy restaurant, and everyone was happy, and I am about to leave for my place…

Tomorrow I start riding in France. I've already had a dressage lesson, only I don't know French, but I will learn…

My goal for the next two or three months is to get to be in very good shape in riding, jumping and competitions.

After I establish that, I am sure I will know if I feel really good about it and want to continue, or maybe I'll have had enough and I'll want to go back home.

There are so many horses here…and so many people… I hope I will like it here.

I hope to become a riding monster, to be in such great shape, and to become better and better, with strong abilities and confidence and a good technique, so that I will be able to jump through good courses, and also feel the taste of winning, from time to time….

Starting tomorrow I'm going to practice seriously. I want to push myself, but in a tempo that I can handle. Every week I hope to ride one more horse, to be responsible for three to five horses, but not from day one. At first, I want to ride my horse and another horse, and then slowly, raise the number of horses so I will have time for my body to become stronger and healthier, and to be able to build myself in a fair way. Also, I want to get into shape: start walking every day and also do stomach exercise to help my back muscles become strong and stable…also to do stretches.

Sophie came to take me…I am really attracted to her, I had a dream that I am kissing her, I wish to do that in real life too…but I am afraid of rejection. I spent the last two days with her, and it was so much fun, and I spoke with her a little about the dream I had, and about girls and boys…and physical attraction. We even drank together a whole bottle of wine yesterday…

No no…nothing happened…

Few inside thoughts…

Few inside thoughts…

I have some visions that I want to carry out in my life so I'm writing this wish list… "What do I want?"…so I will be able to look at this wish list I have…and don't lie to yourself…I have so many more wishes…but I will take them one at a time…

So- I can see myself already with a Romanian passport, and already maybe representing Romania…and I can imagine the sponsors and the television and all the press surely would love the come back of Rozeanu's unbeatable sporting spirit…the same spirit of my grandmother!

And also, I already see myself fighting over our family's land that's in Romania…and after receiving that…I know I won't really need to work…at least not for money…

…and I have another vision. I see myself, with some of my riders in Israel, going on a truck, the truck is a sports truck for horses, and has the peace sign on it; it will be a sport for peace truck. And we will go with our horses, from Israel, to compete in our neighbor's countries like Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Jordan and more. I know this dream sounds really dangerous, but I think that raising sponsors for this one could be done quite easily, and well, doing it for real…it's scary, but maybe with the right guards it can work…the problem is that if something bad happens…then we are somewhere in the enemy's territory…or some where dead…and I have to say that that is a really bad end to my vision, but it's the most logical ending…maybe not on the way to the competition…because not many people will probably know about it…but on the way back…after we represented Israel…well, we need only one fanatic person to end this dream in a very bad way…and maybe even trying to make this dream happen is already very dangerous…

I can't get the Olympic Games in Germany out of my head, when the Israeli competitors were killed…that could definitely happen again…and to go to a place with hostile terrorists …well…I am not sure…

But wouldn't it be really nice if it did work…just imagine…the peace truck…the Israeli riders…the sportive environment in the competition…we have it all the time here, in Europe…when I meet an Egyptian rider, or the Jordanian rider, or the Qatar team…we immediately become friends, and we have so much in common, and we can understand each other better than the European boxed shape can…so actually, we are already friends when we are far away from the area of conflict …

I know that I'll probably have to say something about the conflict area…so I will:

My opinion is that this is a real problematic issue, since both sides are right. Both sides are entitled to have this holy land. Both sides love it so much, and both sides, like two brothers who fight for the cheese…and what can we do…there is only one, small piece, of cheese…but both sides know that once, in the past it was only there's…and it was…so every one is right…what can you do next?

Well, we could split the cheese…but both sides will keep on being very hungry…and both sides are already very hungry…

Ok, we could say that the cheese belongs to everyone…but then… everyone remains very hungry, and fight will definitely be for the cheese…so…I don't see any solution that will keep everyone happy. Really I don't. Only if one side would give it away…but why should someone give it away?

Imagine that 100 years ago, I had a wonderful house. Then, there was a war, and after 50 years you get the same house, and then there is peace, and you have to leave the house and another person gets it. Whose house is it? Now imagine that this story goes on and on for more than 2000 years? …whose house is it? And who can really prove who was there first?

And this same story- I am afraid will happen to me in Romania in a few years… my grandmother's parents had a huge piece of real-estate, then, there was a war, and the country took all the Jewish property for itself…now, I want to claim it back…but maybe, there are already other people who bought this land from Romania…imagine I come and get it back…they will want no less than just kill me for taking their house from them…and you see how easy it is to start another war, in another place, about the land…

I think that if the Romanian government is smart- they will maybe give me land- but in a location that people haven't settled yet…and this is probably possible because Romania is so big…

But if not?

Who should be the one to give out his land? Me? The Romanian Government? Maybe the new owner who already paid and invested on that same land…? Who should it be?

In two days my mother is coming!!!

I want to tell you about the change between Sona and me.

After I came back from the weekend in France, and after she didn't answer my SMS asking for her help, we both met again, on Monday's evening.

And I didn't speak with her, I sometimes say things that will make her upset…because I was…as you can understand…hurt by her not replying.

Then I sat with myself and said, if a person doesn't want to help you it's his choice. You can't make a person like you, and you can't make a person help you. It's OK, so you've asked for help, but she didn't reply, and it's her way to show that she isn't interested in helping somebody she hardly knows…and there I was, standing between two options. One was to behave like a bitch, and put lot's of bad energies in the air, and the other was to let it go, to understand it, to remember that she doesn't owe me anything, and to try and just enjoy the last two weeks we have to spend together until I move to France. And so I chose the latter. I know also she felt uncomfortable about the situation, but in the evening, near the television, we started breaking the ice again, I started offering her coffee, and candies, and everything was much lighter and happier again. We even smiled to each other when we passed each other in the stable, and for sure it's a much nicer environment to be in.

Speaking of changing behaviors from the inside that impact the environment…

I owe lots of thanks to Oren, from the former workplace I had in Israel.

He was a riding instructor, just like me, and the working environment was really big for my taste, too many people, horses, 600 students…and not that much equipment or many riding places. So, you have to get along with the environment and work together as a team…but, as you can already understand from my background, I am not used to working in a team. So, at first, when you're new, of course you get the shitty horses, the shitty students and the shittiest places to work in, and I, being a princess, immediately felt hurt by that. I knew how good I am, and I wanted to be treated like the best instructor in the area, because I certainly felt like one…

So, I began to fight with all the instructors, and I became a person that you don't want to have around…moody, shouting, and frustrated and, for sure, not friendly.

So, I remember that at one point, Oren came to work inside the place I was working at, and I sent him out …

He said to me: "are you here to work or are you here to fight?"

After that day, I went home and Anat was there to care of my broken soul. I didn't really know what to do, everyone hated me, and I really wanted to fix the situation.

Oren's sentence was the key to my change of behavior. And Anat was the mental instructor I had in order to carry out this change.

She explained to me that people don't do things to me just to hurt me. And that I should always try to look at a conflict situation from both sides, to try to understand the other person's position as well as my own, and then try to solve the situation together, as a team…

After that, I became more and more calm and peaceful at work, I started looking to help people more, I began treating people as part of my team, and I acted like I was part of their team. I started moving together as a group, and of course, I started to feel that I belong in this group.

In due time, people could get closer and closer to me, and then, it was also easier for them to start to appreciate my level of training and my level of riding, and there it was, slowly but surely I became one of the best instructors in the workplace. But then something new happened: the fight for the title of "best instructor in the place" started, and it was between me and Tal.

As I look back, I completely understand her position, and I feel sorry for her, because the manager of the stable kept bringing in new figures that competed for her place, and he never really said to her "Taly, you are the main instructor here, and all the rest are under your supervision." That for sure would have made her happier.

But, the field was open to everyone, and it gave me the opportunity to show my skills. The competitive environment was so strong that one day, when one of her students, Hagar, decided to train with me instead of with her, all the kids stopped talking with her, and she was in war with all the "Tal side" of the place…

The next important point was the Israeli championship, where I trained Hagar and her horse Angelina.

No one at the stable would talk to us, that is, to me, the "new comer", or to Hagar, the "traitor" who had shifted to the "enemy's side."

But, as for God's wheel, true support, best riding, some luck, and, now that I think of it, as for true belief ad well, they all played their part, and after three days of very hard work, Hagar won first place!!!!

I was so tired after that event, I think I was even ill for a few days, because I gave her all the belief, power, self-esteem and skill I could, and I kept her going, together with Anat, for three days, when she actually wanted to quit after the first day. It was really hard, but the feeling of overcoming all the troubles, all the bad energies from the surrounding environment and then to have her recognized as the best in the competition: I cannot explain how good that feels! To accomplish something that you truly believe you can, while all the others are really not supportive of what you are doing, but you do succeed…that feels so good! I think this is why I love competition, because when I succeed, I love myself so much, I feel so good and it is so worth it…

Sadly I have to say that after this event, Hagar and I could never really continue working together, I felt she was too afraid to try again to overcome her fears, because when you reach such a high level of success, you can fall into the trap of not wanting to do less. And afterwards, she never really focused on learning anymore, and she never really wanted to compete anymore…and slowly but surely, our strong relationship came apart. But I guess not everyone is built to be an Olympic champion.

I know that when I succeed, usually the competition that comes afterwards becomes a really frightening occasion for me, because I don't want to disappoint myself. Nevertheless, I always love to keep being the best I can be, and I think that is what keeps me going. The horses also present a challenge: they get older, and you have to switch to another horse, or maybe buy a new one, and so, you build a whole new team relationship together. That way it's always remains a challenge for me, a challenge that involves feelings and reacting toward the horse, and this way I keep on practicing my team work relationship, and also, I keep on feeling myself through the horse.

Today my mother is coming to be with me for one week….I am so happy….

I think I have never spent so much time with her, only she and I…so that will for sure bring us closer…I will tell you all about it in the next few pages.

I started doing more sports- walking in the evenings, doing stomach exercises and doing stretches.

This way I want to help my body become stronger and more flexible, and I believe this will improve my riding as well as my back…so; I started giving to my body, and not just taking…

Another thing that I am facing is the eating, I feel so  unbalanced with my eating, I buy lots of candies…which I really love…and I eat them, in my opinion, too much…

I want also to eat more like an athlete, but it has to be food that I like, otherwise, I won't keep on doing that.

I remember Nancy telling me, just before I went on to Europe, that I should watch out not too eat too much out of loneliness and frustration…and every time I eat too much, I remember her telling me that…

I saw a lot of eating problems in my family…my father can eat everything, a whole fridge, without stopping, every time he has a need for something, he solves it with food. So, I have seen this example, and I know that I can become just like that (it's in my blood…),  I want to be in balance, in every way I can, so next time I'll eat more than usual, I'll speak with myself about what I'm really missing, and try to take care of that. Try to solve the real issue, and leave the fridge out of it…

My way of addressing an addiction problem… (Try this at home…)

When you start to understand the reasons you started doing it, than you have completed faze one.

Phase two- is understanding the role it has in your life today- for example- smoking- can be a way to communicate with other people, can be an excuse for taking a break, can be a friend when you are alone, can be a way you decided that when you do it- it's a sigh for relax, or for telling the environment that you are heart, upset, like a call for help…

Once you understand the role, then you really are on the right track!!!

Then what's left is to choose what you want to do? Do you want to keep on using the smoking as a bridge to yourself? Or do you want to try and face the world without a helping stick? If you choose to continue- OK, and if you choose to face the real feeling inside you- please keep on reading…

Are you there? Congratulations! The next advice would be:

Since it's a habit, you have to help yourself get rid of it. For example-

Eat chewing gum instead, or an apple, or whatever…

The next thing, for the first few months, try to avoid situations that you where used to doing the addiction in-

Like: take fewer breaks, or, take a break with people who don't smoke…and take a gum with you…

Drink less coffee, don't go to friend that with them you are used to smoking.

Avoid any situation that after it you are used to smoking…

Well, I have helped few people before to quit smoking…and they used to smoke a lot…also, I was a smoker, for 7 years, and I quit in one day…but that was only a matter of strong will to stop…I was too young to speak with myself and really understand things and situations…

I have just spoke with Anat, my former partner in life, and current partner in managing the Haparashim Stable riding club.

In this stable I used to be the trainer, and the horses as well as the riders were developing slowly but surely, and almost every one was happy, except, maybe, the riders that wanted to develop more quickly. I always used to explain them that going up too fast is a sure way to go down, and that I prefer to build a stable and sound base…

But, as for my dream, and as for the close boundaries in Israel, which block us in a very small horse industry, I moved to Europe, and we had to find another trainer to work with my riders…and we did find this 22 years old guy, that used to learn from the same people in Holland that I am at their place at the moment…until I move to France.

Family visit…

Family visit…

speaking of family…yesterday my brother Ilan and his family told me they are coming to visit me the next day…so, I planned of going to a local show with them…but unfortunately, the local show in Eindhoven was canceled….then I asked Caroline: "Oh, is there any other show?".  "Yes, she said, there is the big final in Volkenswart."

"Ooh, thank you for saying that"…imagine if I wouldn't have asked I wouldn't have known…

Why was I so excited? Because it's a 160 c"m height course, because all the amazing riders of this sport will be showing there, because it's an international show, the kind of you only get to see on the Eurosport channel…and today…I get to see it  live, for the first time in my life!

Lucky me, yesterday I went shopping, and bought some really nice riding and casual cloths, so today, when I was there, between all the rich people that looks so neat and so gorgeous, and all the riders that ride are so unbelievably great, I also felt good, because I knew I also looked good…and also I was wearing some of the finest goods you could have in this sport on me…yes, sometimes money does give me confidence…why not? When you have money, in this field especially, you feel like all the rest, who also have money growing on trees…and sometimes I remember how it was, as a teenager, when my parents had all the money you could ever wish for…I looked so unbelievably rich…I was walking around like a rooster, all proud…and it was all from the outside, and inside, well, there I was really unhappy…

Speaking of shopping, I bought riding boots for competitions, their really beautiful.

So you can imagine me, walking there, also with my new boots…yes, I really looked great…and having my family there also raised my confidence, suddenly, I wasn't so alone for once …it felt so good.

I'm now thinking to myself: "Yes, I want to ride at this level, and I want to be so damn good, but, I don't want to do it alone." I once thought that in competitions I wanted it to be only me, the horse, and the trainer. Today I felt something different; I wanted to have a family too. I wanted to have a child. I want to belong to something. I don't want to share this entire dream only with myself. I want to raise at least one child! I want to take her or him with me to competitions, and hang out hand in hand.

Today I was holding my nephew's hand. At first I did it so that she will feel secure, but a second later, suddenly, I felt so good with myself, holding someone's hand and not being all by myself all the time…

I was looking at these riders, and I couldn't believe my eyes, all the former world winners, Olympic winners and any other prize you can imagine…and then, I told my brother- do you see this? This is what I want. This is my dream. To reach this level, to be as good, to be able to perform like that.

After their two kids got sick of being in the show, we went to eat, and Alma, Ilan's wife, told me about her performance in the dancing act she participated in…and I was so happy for her, she was able to convey to the audience the true feelings she felt inside. And I sat there thinking to myself, will I be able to touch people through my story? Will I be able to convey my feelings and send them to the world in a way that people could connect with them? Could I connect to people that don't even know me?

Every time I meet a member of my family, I become a little scared, because of the unsupportive family I have, and how ignorant they can be about feelings…which I really can't stand. But today it was different…I was there, and when I felt uncomfortable, I immediately asked myself why. The first time was when I said something about the idea of mine to become a Romanian citizen, and maybe get sponsors in Romania. Then there was silence, and then I felt bad. Why? Because I sensed my brother's disbelief along with his wife's. I sense that they didn't really believe in me and didn't believe in my ideas. Then we spoke about Ilan's sponsor for bridge, and I asked him- maybe she'd be interested in sponsorship…and he immediately said…well no…

So I could take it in the direction of being offended and then I'd get really tired and want to sleep and run away from the situation. But I took it another way- Orly, I said, relax, you can't make a person help you if he doesn't want to. The people  who'll want to help you will come, don't push it, and don't take it too hard, he doesn't have to help you…and don't try asking too much from him …go for people who do support, and do feel positive when you talk…

Then, I was still there, and I felt good about myself, I didn't disappear from the environment, and I didn't sink to my "shutting out the world" babble…

The day turned into an evening, I felt really good there with the company, I even told them about the book I'm writing, about the ideas I have for future economic support, how I'll get it, they looked curious, even a bit surprised, and I think that I feel even better now, because I feel that I'm creating something that's even passed my family’s criticism…gee…maybe I do have a future success story in my hand and I don't really know it yet…?

I thought I'd take a step today and talk with Nelson Pessoa. He is one of the greatest trainers in this sport. I wanted to ask him if he is ready to adopt me, teach me all he knows, provide me with horses…like I was his daughter…and for me…I will not ask a penny for what I will have to do in his stable, and I also promise not to argue, just listen and learn…and I wanted to tell him about my story, and my web site…and I thought maybe my Israeli roots will do something good today…but, then I saw that Rodrigo, his son, is in the competition, and I told myself, don't interrupt, you don't want to catch him at a bad time…and then Rodrigo retired from the course, and after that I saw Nelson walking and I felt…well…that it wasn't the right time to do it. Maybe I was wrong, but I trust my instincts apart from that I might just be a cowered…

Before I forget…yesterday there was a family of small people on the television, and they were happy. Why? The father explained- "Because we support each other, we work things out together, and this way we can do more, we are there for each other, we accept each other as we are, we love each other, and we work together as a team…"

It was a perfect ending to my writing session- yes, my family's raised four amazingly wise, talented, educated and successful people…but, the heart, the feelings, the team work, the family presence was  lacking, for me at least…I always felt that we were four bubbles in the house, we never shared anything, I know my parents had their own goals for raising a "well behaved child", but I don't agree with the parameters…I think that they are important for our surviving in this world, but for our happiness, I wish my family had also emphasized on caring, loving and sharing…and accepting everybody in the family as he is…I have to say that I know my parents do there best, and their intentions are always to make us happy…but…I also realize, that I have needs that don't always coincide with what they were able to give me, back then, in the past…

26/8/07

My mother is coming to visit me in 4 days!!!

I can't wait for that, I think this visit is going be so great…

First of all because my mother always liked to spoil me, she used to take me to shopping and buy me lot's of stuff that I wanted…and to have this kind of spoil I always really love, because I know this is the way she shows me her love, and this way I feel loved…yes…it's an old habit from home…

Another reason I think this visit will be important- is all the Romanian issue…

As you know me, or will get to know me, when I really want something, I go for it, and break through walls if needed…

And the more I think of it, I start to remember some of my grandmother's stories, about Romania, about the land they had there…she never really succeeded in saying how much land it was…she only could say it was hundreds of hectares…and that the Romanian government took it from her family in the war…and she never got it back…but…Oooh…she really wanted to get it back…

And when she would say that near my mother, my mother would always say: "leave it! They will never give it back; it's like crying over spoiled milk…"

And, I grew up, and I forgot all about it.

But now, that I want to train in Europe in order to become the best rider I can, I suddenly need to take care of my staying here, and that means getting a visa…and I told myself, damn, my roots are European! Why the hell shouldn't I ask permission to stay here? I'm originally from here!

And this is why I want to have my roots back.

When I let it sink, I started to think about this land that my grandmother lost. And I want to see what I can do about that too. Why do you think its OK for millions of European people to have there heritage from there great great great grandparents, and to also have more lands, more property…and the Jewish people have to start all over again from scratch?

I suddenly feel that my Olympic wish get another twist…it started to include my grandmother's wish…and I like it…I think that her wish is very important, and I very much feel obligated to carry it out, since no one else in my family will do that…they will all give it away without trying. Especially my mother, who can move houses if she wanted to, but when she hears the word Romania, she stop trying.

I think that I have some advantage here that it would be a pity not to use.

First of all, I have time!

Second of all, I am not afraid from anyone in Romania, since I never had any bad experiences there…I was not the one, unlike my mother and grandmother that had to escape from Romania in order to go to Israel…so, I'm much more emotionally capable of doing this job…

And thirdly…wouldn't it be nice to have some hectares more than I have now? That's always a good quality…and my horses will like that two…

When my mother will arrive here, I'll discuss with her my ideas, and see how she can help…I hope she will try to help as much as she can, but I know she has a Pandora's Box hiding under this Romanian issue…and this is why it will not be easy for her, not at all. I will try to help her open it really gently, and I know that I can support her emotionally when she does agree to open up…but I can't force her to do that. I only know that it will make her much happier person, and that it will make our connection much stronger…

I'm really in love with my extra goal…I really feel that I'm ready and most importantly ABLE to do that. When I think about my family, the most creative and stubborn one is me… my parents always had real trouble dealing with me, because I'm like that…but…here you see that these qualities can help me go real far…and I'm very lucky to have them and to be who I  am.

I feel like I really love myself for these qualities as well, and I feel that I can't wait to start this mission that I'm carrying on my shoulders…I will get my roots back!!!

So, now I will start learning to speak Romanian as well as

My PMS…

My PMS…

I got my period, I'm eating a lot, I feel a lack of something, I feel bored, I feel that I have to run away from something, I feel like I have to feel up something…I went shopping today, I bought a dressage saddle one year ago, and I gave it back to the shop, so now they owe me money…also I considered buying a jumping saddle and give them as part of the deal- my old jumping saddle. It's a prestige saddle, it's very comfortable for me, the thing is that I feel this saddle has no special luck, not that it had a bad luck, just nothing special.

Also, this is the saddle I bought, and after a while stopped riding…also, I fell off Igrene in the competition, from this saddle…

I think I want to let this one go. My mother is coming next week, I'm looking forward to that, and she'll also bring me the Igrene's saddle. It's a saddle that has known many victories in the past, as well as some falling off from Igrene's former rider.

I hope that this saddle will bring us luck. The rest I will do along with my partner, Igrene…

I've started to think a lot about my grandmother…I began thinking that maybe I'll get myself a Romanian citizenship. I feel that I want to have more opportunities in this world, and that only being Israeli is limiting.

Israel is not a place that encourages athletes in any way; I remember being completely shocked when I heard about how bad my grandmother was treated. My grandmother the world's best table tennis player ever, Angelic Rozeanu, came to Israel after winning so much, and after a short time there she quit playing because the Israelis told her- "you know nothing about this game…"!

Yes, this is the way they also treat Olga Sirus today. Olga Sirus, a Jewish grand prix rider, who left the country and will be representing Russia in the Olympic Games. (If her plans will come true). And what about me?

Well, I'm ready to represent Romania, if someone there will invest in me. I definitely have my grandmother's sporting spirit; I've felt it all my life. But, I'm upset with myself since I never really tried hard enough in order to become the best I can.

So, now I will. I'm moving to France.

I want to be the best I can, and I think that as a Romanian I will have more chance, because the press will be all over me once they will understand what a story they have here…the granddaughter of the legend is coming back to the grand mother's roots…as a sports person as well…it's a come back to the family, and hopefully, the sporting achievements will be back as well.

I hope that due to these stories and due to the family connections, I'll find sponsors to help me become the best I can be, and then represent the country that will support me…and that country is definitely not going to be Israel, at least it doesn't seem like that right now…

Yes, I am also upset…

When I'm near my family I become this black-sheep, that's no good at anything that is considered good, that my way of thinking is so spread, that I don’t know what I want from life, and that I am too emotional and too spoiled and too whatever you want to say. my family has this ideas about perfect, that's very far from my own…the thing is that all the years I was asking myself what is so wrong with me…but as I grew up, and still growing, I realize that there are also people in the world who understand my way of thinking, that appreciate people like me, and that I'm something good on this earth, and not so shitty and bad and weird as my family makes me feel.

Imagine growing up in a place where everyone is the same, and you are different, and you're put down because you're not like the others…and you never hear that you are beautiful, that you are good, that they are happy to have you around…that they love you…

Well, do you feel good with yourself? How is your self esteem? Its sky high isn't it?

And are you sure about yourself?

How is your back? Do you feel you have a back? Or do you feel that your shoulder hurts because there is so much emotional baggage to carry…?

And my lesson in life is that I have to find the love from within, because it's not going to come from the outside…is it?

It's strange, but with my mother I'm so much better, a few years ago, after going to the psychologist, I decided that instead of complaining to a stranger, I better go to the real person. And I did, I just sat with my mother inside the computer room in my parent's house, and told her everything, how she hurt me when I was young, how she was never there for me, how she never said that she loved me, how she compared me all the time, how she frustrated me, how she doesn’t accept me as I am, and how I'm still so hurt by her…

And I was really surprised, but she took it all, she just carried everything I said, and she just carried me. My feelings had found a place with her, and it made me so calm. I felt so contended. I felt so good and so relived. She didn't say much, she never does, but since then she's acted differently, and she's changed, I see it in the look in her eyes, they have more love for me since then. Apart from that she also understands me much better since then. I feel like I've earned my mother back, and I'm so happy that I've spoken with her.

I'm not sure that I can keep on writing, since my computer is about to sink in my tears…well, I had to say something to lighten up a little…

My mother's had back problems since I can remember her, and my father has had them too, and Ophir has some serious issues with his back, and also Ilan, and there's me as well …

The family has no real support; I think this is the best description that I can give right now.